1 00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:02,336 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:14,348 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 5 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:25,400 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 6 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,703 [cheers and applause] 7 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:41,542 [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan. 8 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:45,963 [cheers and applause] 9 00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:48,966 Thank you! 10 00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:51,301 Thank you! 11 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,888 Thank you! Thank you! 12 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:58,141 Oh, that is so insincere. 13 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:01,603 All I did was walk from over there 14 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:04,523 and act like I'm not out of breath. 15 00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,985 What is that, like five feet? 16 00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:12,114 It is good to be here in Boston. Thank you for coming out. 17 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,865 [cheers and applause] 18 00:01:13,949 --> 00:01:16,368 Excited to be here. 19 00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:22,332 I don't know if you can tell by my beard, but I'm fat. 20 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,460 I don't know what happened. 21 00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:29,715 All I did was eat constantly, and then, boom. 22 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:30,841 I'm fat. 23 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:33,218 It seems unfair. 24 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,762 I can't stop eating. 25 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:39,683 I can't. I haven't been hungry in, like, 12 years. 26 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:44,855 I'm like, "Oh, I'm so full. I guess I'll have some cheese. 27 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:51,236 I don't even like this cheese. Guess I'll finish it. 28 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,239 Maybe this will make me hungry." 29 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:57,326 Do you ever tell yourself that? Maybe this will make me hungry. 30 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,411 It's either that or feel my feelings. 31 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,373 You know what, you're only eating your feelings. 32 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:06,460 Yeah, but they're delicious. I can't stop eat-- 33 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,378 You ever look at medication that says, 34 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,505 "Don't take on an empty stomach"? 35 00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:12,341 Never a concern of mine. 36 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:15,218 Doesn't apply to me. 37 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,429 You're not supposed to go swimming till-- 38 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,765 technically I should never go swimming. 39 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:24,436 Like, if you saw me in a pool, you'd be like, "Arrest that man! 40 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,773 And tell him not to wear a Speedo." 41 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:29,941 I don't need that image. 42 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:33,737 I used to be thin, when I was six. 43 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:38,325 I've put on some weight, but luckily, this is intentional. 44 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,243 I don't want to brag or anything, 45 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:43,747 but I'm preparing for kind of a big role. 46 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,248 It's a cinnamon roll. 47 00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,586 I don't want to look like I can't finish it. 48 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,004 You know what I mean? 49 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:53,382 Once after a show, a woman came up to me, 50 00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:56,009 and she was like, "You're not that fat," 51 00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:57,803 like it was a compliment. 52 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:03,308 I was like, "Well, thank you. You're not that polite." 53 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:05,686 But I am fat. 54 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:07,938 You know, some people should be fat, you know. 55 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,357 We all have that friend who's lost tons of weight. 56 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,150 And when you see them, you think, 57 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:13,944 "You looked better fat. 58 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:18,197 You're thin, but you look exhausted. 59 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,826 Go back to being fat. 60 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,912 Looking at you makes me want to sit down." 61 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,582 "Nothing tastes as good as thin." 62 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:30,168 I can think of a thousand things. 63 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:35,257 Even unsalted French fries taste better than thin. 64 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,634 You ever eat fries without salt on them? 65 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,095 You're like, "Huh, these could use some salt, 66 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,889 but that would mean I'd have to get up and move. 67 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,224 [audience laughing] 68 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:46,727 I'll just imagine there's salt on them." 69 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,687 Feels like a sacrifice. 70 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,689 You're like, "What am I? A pioneer here? 71 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,401 "Sucking it up. I should be on that show Survivor. 72 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,571 Once I had fries without salt on them, 73 00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,656 so I could probably live anywhere, really." 74 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,700 [audience laughing] 75 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:04,411 I just wish I wanted to eat something healthy. 76 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,038 Recently, I saw an apple, and for a moment-- 77 00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:10,375 just--just a moment-- I didn't recognize it. 78 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:14,755 I was like, "What is that? Oh, that's an apple! 79 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,508 It's so weird to not see it in a pie." 80 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:23,555 But fruit. No one really wants fruit. 81 00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,724 It's too much work with fruit, right? 82 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,392 You've got to wash it. 83 00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:30,937 You've got to peel off that sticker Al-Qaeda put on there. 84 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,566 There's work, like an orange... 85 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,611 Has peeling an orange ever really been worth it? 86 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,489 There's not even chocolate in this. 87 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:44,409 And some weirdos that use 88 00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,870 the gathering of fruit as an activity. 89 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,664 "Why don't we go apple picking?" 90 00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:51,917 "'Cause I'd rather die." 91 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,171 You have to pay to pick apples. 92 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:59,800 OK, how much do I owe you to work for you for free? 93 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,845 Don't rip me off. I'm no dummy. 94 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,893 Yet we still act excited when we see fruit. 95 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,645 We're like, "Yay, fruit!" 96 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,105 At least it's not vegetables. 97 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,400 'Cause no one wants vegetables. 98 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:21,071 When you're at a party and they have a vegetable tray, aren't you surprised? 99 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,740 You're like, "Wow. That's a waste of money. 100 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,910 Hell, I'd rather eat a candle." 101 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:31,081 Oh, suddenly I'm the only one here that's eaten a candle. 102 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,792 OK, everybody. 103 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,212 No one wants a vegetable tray. 104 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,172 Everyone knows "crudite" is French 105 00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,132 for "throw away in a couple hours." 106 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:42,884 [audience laughing] 107 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:46,429 I feel sorry for those vegetables on the tray. 108 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:49,307 They're like, "What am I doing here? 109 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:52,686 I can't compete with pigs in a blanket. 110 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:56,314 I'm a cauliflower, for God's sakes. 111 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:59,985 Like that ranch dressing's gonna help?" 112 00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,028 Ranch dressing. 113 00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:05,156 Some of us have to settle down with the ranch dressing. 114 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,285 The usage is ridiculous. 115 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:09,995 "I love ranch dressing. 116 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,539 I like to dip my pizza in ranch dressing." 117 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,750 That's fine. You're just not allowed to vote anymore. 118 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,379 'Cause ranch dress-- You know how they make ranch dressing? 119 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,340 Buttermilk and sadness. 120 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:25,677 That's the only ingredients. 121 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,890 Interesting fact. Before they came up with ranch dressing, 122 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,434 no one had eaten a raw vegetable ever. 123 00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,937 But we know we don't want vegetables. 124 00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:38,899 But we haven't wanted fruit for hundreds of years. 125 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:43,194 That's why there's so many paintings in museums of just bowls of fruit. 126 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,031 'Cause you could start painting a bowl of fruit. 127 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:49,117 You could leave for a couple days, come back. 128 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,369 No one would have touched the bowl of fruit. 129 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,831 But if you're painting a donut, 130 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,918 you better finish it on the first sitting. 131 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,419 You can't even take a bathroom break. 132 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,923 "Hey! What happened to my donut?" 133 00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:06,843 Your friends say, [imitates full mouth] "I don't know. Some fat guy came in here. 134 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,262 Anyway, I gotta get some milk and take a nap." 135 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:12,390 That's why there's no donut art. 136 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:13,850 It's sad, really. 137 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,479 When's the last time you saw a painting of a donut? 138 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,066 The police, they love donuts, right? 139 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:24,653 Hey, cop. Why don't you get a donut? Cops love donuts. 140 00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:26,780 Which is an interesting stereotype, 141 00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,783 because you know who else loves donuts? Absolutely everyone. 142 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,953 Of course cops love donuts, 143 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:36,039 'cause they know the difference between right and wrong. 144 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:40,251 And not liking donuts is wrong! 145 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,963 Have you ever met someone that doesn't like a donut? 146 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:45,215 You want to know why? Because they're in jail. 147 00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,887 When you're in a donut shop and you see a police officer, 148 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,306 don't you feel like something special's happened? 149 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,476 [gasps] An angel just got its wings. 150 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,689 It's special. 151 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:05,652 [chuckling] I had a donut before I came onstage. 152 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,905 I was with a friend last week. 153 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,241 I was like, "You want to get a donut?" He was like, "I'm not hungry." 154 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,493 I'm like, "What does that have to do with it?" 155 00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:18,665 As if there's ever been a good reason to eat a donut. 156 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:22,210 Well, doctor says I need more powdered sugar in my diet. 157 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,339 Donuts are bad for you, 158 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,341 and according to my health nut wife, 159 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:32,721 they're "not appropriate for a trail mix," you know. 160 00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:35,640 I'm just on a different trail, right? 161 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,768 Mine leads to the emergency room. 162 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:43,314 That joke will be even funnier when I die from cardiac arrest. 163 00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,359 "That's why I didn't laugh." 164 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,945 Donuts are all about taste. 165 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:52,699 In Los Angeles, there's a place called Yum Yum Donuts. 166 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:56,745 It's like, what? Do you need the IQ of one to find that appealing? 167 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,121 Yum Yum? 168 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,458 Me like yum yum. 169 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:05,128 It's like, who's the target audience, cavemen? 170 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,921 I know two thing. 171 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:10,633 Yellow fireball rise in sky and Yum Yum Donuts. 172 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,845 Yum Yum Donuts, yum yum. 173 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,265 Now there's gourmet donuts 174 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,726 that are deep-fried in gold. 175 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,521 I had a gourmet donut. I didn't realize it was a gourmet donut. 176 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:26,399 I just pointed at a donut, and the donut guy started ringing it up. 177 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,276 He was like, "That'll be $3.99." 178 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:29,903 I was like, "I only want one of them." 179 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,405 He was like, "That is the price of one of them." 180 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,365 Then there was this long, awkward pause 181 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:37,619 where I waited for him to lean forward and go, "Just kidding." 182 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,454 But he didn't. 183 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,706 He just looked at me like, "Got you, tubby," 184 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,002 because he knew I'd pay 185 00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:48,671 because I was in a donut shop. 186 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,674 It's not like I was there to buy a yoga mat. 187 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:57,138 Boston, this is like donut ground zero, right? 188 00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:00,141 Dunkies, Dunkies! 189 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,268 [cheers and applause] 190 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:05,188 I don't know, I always eat the local specialty 191 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,481 because I'm a pig. 192 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,609 I did this big tour of the southern states, 193 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,027 and I'll tell you something. 194 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,363 People in the South are nicer. They are. 195 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,490 Even when they're rude, they're nice in the South. 196 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,367 They're like, "Y'all can go to hell." 197 00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:21,079 You're like, "Well, thank you. You too." 198 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,791 People in the South are nicer, but they're slower, right? 199 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,334 And I don't mean intelligence-wise. 200 00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:27,877 They just move slower. 201 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,587 It's like, "Hey, your house is on fire." 202 00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:30,880 "All right. 203 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,758 I'll get to that. 204 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:38,221 But first, I need to drink me some sweet tea. 205 00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:41,516 Then I'll deal with that pesky house of mine." 206 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,143 And I figured it out. 207 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,145 It's the biscuits and gravy. 208 00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,982 Everyone in the South moves like they've just had two helpings. 209 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,902 They're like, "I shouldn't have had that second helping of..." 210 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,321 This is a nine-year-old I'm pretending to be. 211 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,907 "Of biscuits and gra--" 212 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,325 In the South, they're eating 213 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:02,203 biscuits and gravy for breakfast. 214 00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:04,372 They're not coming home drunk late at night, 215 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:07,083 like, "I'll eat anything." 216 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,420 They're waking up, and they're like, "Time for cement." 217 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,839 [chomping] 218 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,550 Lunch, chicken and waffles. 219 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,510 The South will never rise again 220 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:19,637 'cause they don't have the energy. 221 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,806 [laughter and applause] 222 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:25,684 Because most of their dishes involve papier-mache. 223 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,020 [cheers and applause] 224 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:30,689 They're essentially eating pinatas down there. 225 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,110 That's why they talk that way. 226 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,695 Because after you eat biscuits and gravy, 227 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:40,283 you can't be expected to say "you" and "all." 228 00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,495 "Good biscuits and gravy, y'all." 229 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:47,248 I'm surprised they even say "biscuits and gravy." 230 00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:49,292 [speaks gibberish] 231 00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:52,045 y'all. 232 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,341 And I'll tell you something. Those biscuits and gravy are amazing. 233 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,426 I had biscuits and gravy for breakfast 234 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,678 for nine days straight. 235 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:02,931 I still haven't gone to the bathroom. 236 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,851 That tour was 27 years ago. 237 00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,815 I love Southern food. 238 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,651 Chicken and waffles. 239 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:18,488 Fried chicken and waffles. 240 00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:20,907 Why? 241 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,869 What should we serve with the fried chicken? French fries? 242 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,871 No, something elegant. 243 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,458 Like a waffle 244 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:32,418 or a gyro 245 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,587 or heroin. 246 00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:40,426 I know it's lunch, but I want breakfast and diabetes, 247 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:44,722 so I'll have the chicken and waffles and a shake. 248 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,936 Of course, you can't talk about Southern food without bringing up grits, right? 249 00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,479 Grits, it's like someone was like, 250 00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:55,650 "Hey, if you love the taste of biscuits and gravy 251 00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:59,862 "but without the taste of biscuits and gravy, 252 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:03,408 then you'll love our man-made wet sand." 253 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,537 I want to like grits. I do. 254 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,913 I order them, and I'm like, 255 00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:11,916 "Are these undercooked or overcooked?" 256 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:14,836 No wonder you came up with moonshine. 257 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:18,339 Southerners are always like, "Y'all are eating that wrong. 258 00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:20,717 You've got to add a pound of cheese and a pound of sugar 259 00:13:20,799 --> 00:13:22,801 and 30 candy canes." 260 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,430 That's what I love about the South. 261 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,974 They don't even try and hide the fact they're eating unhealthy. 262 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:31,936 In a restaurant, you're like, "I guess I'll order "the bucket of lard 263 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,689 and the salt stick." 264 00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,942 "Y'all want that deep-fried?" 265 00:13:38,817 --> 00:13:40,445 "Uh, OK." 266 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,947 "You want us to shoot at you while you eat it?" 267 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,201 "Is that extra?" 268 00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:49,996 But there's unhealthy eating everywhere. 269 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:51,873 I was in Arizona and New Mexico, 270 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,583 and there are people eating fried bread. 271 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,128 There are stands that sell only fried bread. 272 00:13:57,754 --> 00:14:00,548 And I saw that, and I was like, "I found my people." 273 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:01,924 [laughter] 274 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,885 Fried bread. 275 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:07,138 I eat unhealthy, but come on. 276 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,265 I know a donut's fried bread, 277 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,934 but at least we don't call it "fried bread." 278 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:15,188 I mean, at what point do you even feel comfortable 279 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,232 eating something called "fried bread"? 280 00:14:18,316 --> 00:14:20,026 "Have you ever eaten cake in the shower?" 281 00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,277 "A couple times." 282 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,280 "You're ready for fried bread." 283 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:28,951 "Ever eaten in your car, so you don't have to share with your children?" 284 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,203 "Every day." 285 00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,164 "You're ready for fried bread." 286 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,793 Fried bread. That is the opposite of a diet, right? 287 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,628 What are the basic elements of a diet? 288 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,004 It's like, all right, no fried food. 289 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,255 No fried food. Got it. 290 00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:42,882 You gotta cut out all the bread. 291 00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:45,259 Cut out-- hey, what about fried bread? 292 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,596 Is there some kind of fried bread diet? 293 00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:52,100 Actually the term is "fry bread." 294 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:53,893 It's not "fried bread." It's "fry bread." 295 00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,312 It's like a command, a call to action. 296 00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:59,232 If you aren't already, fry bread. 297 00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,691 Let's get fat. 298 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,194 And I'm not judging those people. 299 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,821 They're actually more honest than us. 300 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,532 Because we eat fried bread, but we do it in code. 301 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:08,866 It's like, "You want fried bread?" 302 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:12,995 "No. I'll have an elephant ear." 303 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,081 "You want fried bread?" 304 00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:18,793 [chuckles] "No. I'll just have a beignet." 305 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,463 We're like that guy at the party trying to find weed. 306 00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:26,175 "Hey, is your friend Bud gonna be here tonight? 307 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:30,721 You know, he hangs out with that guy named Herb. 308 00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:36,102 He's going out with the girl from Mexico named Marijuana." 309 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,522 I don't know what you're asking for. 310 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,610 Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to get fat. 311 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,571 Last night, I was eating a pint of ice cream, 312 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:49,991 and I finished it because I'm American, all right? 313 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,659 I took off the lid, and I threw it away 314 00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,411 'cause I'm not a quitter, everyone. 315 00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,579 [laughter] 316 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:57,081 And because I care about the environment. 317 00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,126 I was conserving energy by not refreezing it. 318 00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:01,752 You're welcome. 319 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,964 Of course it was at night. You ever eat ice cream during the day? 320 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,049 You're like, what are we? Six years old? 321 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,178 Did we just get our tonsils out? 322 00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:12,305 Why are there people around me? 323 00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:15,266 Shouldn't I be alone watching Lifetime? 324 00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:19,729 Those hoarders, those are the ones with the problem. 325 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:26,360 I was eating a pint of ice cream in sweatpants, like a man. 326 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,654 My wife came in the room, and she was like, 327 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:32,200 "Jim, are you gonna eat an entire pint of ice cream by yourself?" 328 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:34,076 And I was like, "Hopefully. 329 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:37,497 Unless you selfishly want a bite." 330 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,416 "Jim, you have a nine-year-old daughter. 331 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,293 Don't you want to be at her wedding?" 332 00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,253 "Not really. No. 333 00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,381 Wait, is there gonna be ice cream at her wedding? 334 00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:50,593 Because if you promise-- I still don't want to go." 335 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:55,056 How would attending a wedding, Why would that be an incentive? 336 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:56,849 It's like, "Don't you die! 337 00:16:56,933 --> 00:17:00,394 In 18 years, there's an awkward party you have to pay for! 338 00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:04,190 And we need you to write a check." 339 00:17:05,650 --> 00:17:08,236 No, I understand weddings are an important event 340 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:10,863 where we spend a lot of money so that the bride can pretend 341 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:13,074 to be a princess! 342 00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:17,828 And marry her prince and live happily ever after 343 00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:20,915 because magic exists. 344 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:23,960 [laughs] And we're a bunch of weirdos. 345 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:27,630 Weddings are kind of weird. I mean, what's the logic? 346 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,382 It's like, "Well, we love each other. 347 00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:31,717 Why don't we pretend we have a kingdom? 348 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,302 [laughter] 349 00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:36,097 We'll invite your parents' friends and my parents' friends, 350 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,807 and we'll have a banquet. 351 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,394 And the two kingdoms shall come together as one. 352 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:45,439 And we can start our married life with a total fantasy 353 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:49,068 before we go on a completely unjustified vacation." 354 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,405 It's strange, right? 355 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:55,866 I mean, weddings started off as these crude, medieval ceremonies 356 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:59,370 where women, daughters were exchanged as property. 357 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:02,999 Yet over the course of centuries, they got worse. 358 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,542 [laughter] 359 00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,086 That's why people cry at weddings. 360 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:11,090 "I can't believe we're still wasting money on this." 361 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,884 Whenever I see someone crying at a wedding, 362 00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:16,846 "I always say, don't worry. It probably won't work out." 363 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:19,682 [laughter and applause] 364 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,726 It is nice to be invited to a wedding, 365 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,269 but you always look at that invitation 366 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:26,314 like, "Ah, this is gonna cost me. 367 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,899 Oh, good. It's out of town. 368 00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:31,986 Wouldn't want to use those vacation days for vacationing." 369 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,364 And you can tell how much a wedding's gonna cost you 370 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,283 by the type of invitation you receive. 371 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:40,494 You're like, "[gasps] Oh, no. This one's made of baby skin." 372 00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:42,622 [laughter] 373 00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,915 And that font and the language on that. 374 00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:50,087 "The honorable king slayer cordially invites you 375 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:53,674 to the marriage of his 40-year-old daughter 376 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:57,219 to her live-in boyfriend of 12 years. 377 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,972 Bring thy wallet." 378 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,017 Because you have to get the newlyweds a gift 379 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,478 because they've done nothing! 380 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,730 So you go to the registry. 381 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,190 The registry, which is a nice way of saying, 382 00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:10,983 "You don't have to get us anything. 383 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,569 But when you do, make sure it's one of these things." 384 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,489 You ever go to the registry late, and you're like, 385 00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:19,659 "Aw, the only thing left is a fork for $300. 386 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,371 I guess we'll be the fork friends. 387 00:19:23,454 --> 00:19:25,498 We'll get them the fork." 388 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:29,126 My wife had us register for fine china 389 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,796 because you never know when the Pope's gonna swing by 390 00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:36,509 and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate. 391 00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,846 My parents, growing up, my parents had fine china 392 00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,265 that you couldn't even put in the dishwasher. 393 00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:44,684 "[gasps] Don't get that wet. 394 00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:46,477 You need to clean it with a kitten. 395 00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:48,270 [laughter] 396 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,856 It needs to be a white kitten." 397 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:54,318 [laughter and applause] 398 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:03,119 At most weddings, the guests receive a gift, right? 399 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,372 Sometimes it's, like, a bag of almonds covered in candy. 400 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,457 Thanks. I guess we're even. 401 00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,795 Since you got me a bag of nuts. 402 00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,464 "Feel free to take the centerpiece." 403 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,925 Sure you don't want us to bus some tables? 404 00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:22,054 Uh, I didn't bring a broom, but I could sweep. 405 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,598 It's not always, like, nuts. 406 00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,517 Sometimes the gift is, like, a knickknack 407 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,353 or a Happy Meal toy kind of thing. 408 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:32,064 The last wedding we were at, everyone at the wedding 409 00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:34,650 got a wine stopper filled with sand 410 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,695 because the theme of the wedding was waste. 411 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,739 [laughter] 412 00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,950 I got in trouble when I asked the bride, I was like, 413 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,995 "At what point are we supposed to jab this in our throat? 414 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,248 During the first dance?" 415 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,042 That's horrible [chuckles] 416 00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:53,753 I do find it fascinating. 417 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:56,338 There's always a drunk person at a wedding, right? 418 00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,591 And I think it's because there's so many awkward moments. 419 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:01,385 Like that receiving line as a guest? 420 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,304 I never know what to say to those people. 421 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:04,930 I always feel like I've just seen a friend 422 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:06,223 in a play or something. 423 00:21:06,307 --> 00:21:08,976 "That was great. You were great up there. 424 00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:12,438 What you said. I like this program. 425 00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:15,691 Well, I'm gonna lie to someone else now. 426 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:19,403 You were good too. You're the grandma. 427 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:21,822 We got them the fork. 428 00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:24,992 Is the bar open?" 429 00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:28,162 Some of those wedding rituals, 430 00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:29,789 have you been to one of the weddings 431 00:21:29,872 --> 00:21:32,541 where the groom removes the garter belt from the bride 432 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,169 and flings it to a crowd of perverts? 433 00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:36,921 [laughter] 434 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:40,591 Because he cherishes his... what? 435 00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:42,885 Who came up with that one? 436 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:45,971 Hey, you know how the bride throws the bouquet? 437 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,390 How 'bout something for the fellas? 438 00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,478 Maybe the bride's underwear? 439 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,816 What happens to that garter belt? 440 00:21:56,899 --> 00:21:59,610 Oh, I have it in a very special place. 441 00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:04,406 It's in a room covered with photographs of the bride. 442 00:22:05,574 --> 00:22:09,370 And there's candles and fried bread everywhere. 443 00:22:09,537 --> 00:22:11,705 [cheers, applause and laughter] 444 00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:15,668 I'm not against marriage. I'm happily married. 445 00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:17,169 I'm married to a beautiful woman, 446 00:22:17,253 --> 00:22:18,838 the type of woman that when I'm with her 447 00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:20,464 and people find out she's my wife, 448 00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:23,008 there's usually an audible "wow." 449 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:27,179 Which I suppose is flattering, but it hurts my feelings. 450 00:22:28,013 --> 00:22:29,849 I'm not a yeti. 451 00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:31,892 "Wow." 452 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:33,519 Someone could approach me and be like, 453 00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:36,480 "Jim, we've discovered your wife has no visual perception. 454 00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:37,690 [laughter] 455 00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:39,483 Yeah, yeah, we don't need to correct that or anything. 456 00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:41,068 She doesn't like glasses." 457 00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:42,987 But I like being married. 458 00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,655 I like having someone to look out for me. 459 00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:46,574 And my wife wants me to live longer. 460 00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:49,952 We all want to live longer, but how much longer? 461 00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:51,579 Like, you ever see old people, 462 00:22:51,662 --> 00:22:54,206 really, really old people, the look on their face? 463 00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,709 They always have that look like, [screaming] 464 00:22:56,792 --> 00:22:59,461 I can't believe I'm still here! 465 00:23:00,504 --> 00:23:03,674 I would have eaten so much more ice cream. 466 00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:08,304 Why did I ever consume kale? 467 00:23:10,055 --> 00:23:12,933 Can we stop with the kale propaganda? 468 00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:17,104 [cheers, applause and laughter] 469 00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:20,316 That stuff tastes like bug spray. 470 00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:23,319 I was looking at a can of bug spray. 471 00:23:23,401 --> 00:23:25,529 It said, "Made with real kale." 472 00:23:26,404 --> 00:23:28,324 But that's the latest health trend. 473 00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:30,034 There's a new one every six weeks. 474 00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:32,494 When I was a little kid, cottage cheese, 475 00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:35,164 cottage cheese was considered healthy. 476 00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:36,498 My mom and my sisters, 477 00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:39,960 "We're being healthy by eating this tub of cheese curds." 478 00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:42,171 Because to be thin, 479 00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:44,548 you eat things that look like cellulite. 480 00:23:46,424 --> 00:23:48,010 Remember when pita was healthy? 481 00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:49,386 Pita's not bread. 482 00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:51,221 It's from the Middle East. 483 00:23:52,514 --> 00:23:53,849 Take cheese, bad for you. 484 00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:56,143 Put it in pita, it's OK. 485 00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:59,355 That's why when I smoke crack, I do it on pita. 486 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,398 [laughter] 487 00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:03,651 We're still in the middle of the wrap phase. 488 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:05,778 Wraps are so good for you. 489 00:24:05,861 --> 00:24:08,781 When you roll food, it takes the calories out. 490 00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:13,369 It becomes a sandwich wand. Ta-da! 491 00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:16,413 No calories. 492 00:24:17,081 --> 00:24:19,457 It's like sushi but not enjoyable. 493 00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:23,170 There's good fats and bad fats. 494 00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:25,589 I like to think of myself as a good fat. 495 00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:29,134 I did discover that I'm gluten-free. 496 00:24:29,218 --> 00:24:30,928 -Anyone gluten-free here? Yeah? -[scattered cheers] 497 00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:32,554 I was just kidding. You're a communist. 498 00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:36,517 [laughter and applause] 499 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,603 Obviously, people that are gluten-free 500 00:24:39,687 --> 00:24:41,271 are like any other American, 501 00:24:41,355 --> 00:24:43,273 except for they're allergic to wheat, 502 00:24:43,774 --> 00:24:45,609 the amber waves of grain. 503 00:24:47,485 --> 00:24:49,487 Doesn't mean they don't love their country. 504 00:24:49,571 --> 00:24:50,990 Just means they can't stomach 505 00:24:51,073 --> 00:24:54,410 ♪ The purple mountains' majesty ♪ 506 00:24:54,492 --> 00:24:57,495 Those are the people we should be screening at airports. 507 00:24:57,579 --> 00:25:00,457 Are you gluten-free/a terrorist? 508 00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:04,461 I don't judge. I report. You decide. 509 00:25:05,754 --> 00:25:07,297 There's a new milk every six weeks. 510 00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:08,966 Oh you shouldn't be drinking cow's milk. 511 00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:10,384 Don't drink cow's milk. 512 00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:12,428 You should drink soy milk. 513 00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:14,555 They discovered soy milk's all estrogen. 514 00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:15,973 You should drink soy milk 515 00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:18,392 unless you want to have sons with testicles. 516 00:25:19,601 --> 00:25:21,186 Or you could drink rice milk. 517 00:25:21,270 --> 00:25:23,689 And they discovered rice milk is like drinking carbs. 518 00:25:23,772 --> 00:25:27,735 Or you could drink almond milk because almonds make milk. 519 00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:31,905 Unless you have a nut allergy. 520 00:25:31,989 --> 00:25:33,531 Then you could drink hemp milk, 521 00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:36,994 which is like a nut-free almond milk made from rope. 522 00:25:37,286 --> 00:25:39,455 [laughter] 523 00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:43,333 Or you can try this new milk that's called cow's milk. 524 00:25:44,585 --> 00:25:46,211 It's big in Europe. 525 00:25:48,297 --> 00:25:50,548 But really, this is the kale era, right? 526 00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:52,509 Kale is a superfood, 527 00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:55,679 and its special power is tasting bad. 528 00:25:58,140 --> 00:25:59,308 It's inedible. 529 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:02,728 All you have to do is freeze-dry it, cover it in cayenne peppers, 530 00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:05,814 put it in a shake, and bury it in the ground. 531 00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:08,442 Kale is so good for you. 532 00:26:08,525 --> 00:26:11,320 It's like a really bitter spinach with hair. 533 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,907 Kale is so good for you. 534 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:17,409 They could find out kale cures cancer, and I would still 535 00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:20,454 be like, "I'm just gonna do the chemo, all right? 536 00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:23,749 I've tried the kale. OK?" 537 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:26,418 [laughter and applause] 538 00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,962 Haven't we evolved as a species, 539 00:26:29,046 --> 00:26:31,840 so we no longer have to eat things like kale? 540 00:26:31,924 --> 00:26:33,926 You know there were cavemen, 541 00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:36,594 "One day, son, we no longer forage through weeds. 542 00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:38,388 We eat porterhouse steak 543 00:26:38,472 --> 00:26:40,849 and no longer sound like Cookie Monster. 544 00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:43,601 Now we go to Yum Yum Donut." 545 00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:47,815 Kale. I just can't stand the kale bragging. 546 00:26:47,898 --> 00:26:49,525 "I just had some kale." 547 00:26:49,607 --> 00:26:51,110 No one asked you. 548 00:26:52,569 --> 00:26:54,530 People talk about kale like it's a band. 549 00:26:54,612 --> 00:26:57,825 Have you seen that new album by Kale? 550 00:26:58,659 --> 00:27:01,619 I was at a school event because I have a thousand children. 551 00:27:01,703 --> 00:27:05,207 And one of the moms was nice enough to make a bean soup. 552 00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:07,793 So I went over, and I tasted it, and I said, "Oh, this is very good." 553 00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:08,919 And she leaned forward, and she goes, 554 00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:10,796 "I snuck some kale in there." 555 00:27:10,879 --> 00:27:12,798 And I wanted to throw the bowl at her. 556 00:27:15,843 --> 00:27:18,804 'Cause she was trying to impress me with a vegetable. 557 00:27:19,221 --> 00:27:21,265 Oh, wow. 558 00:27:21,639 --> 00:27:24,059 You smarty. 559 00:27:26,436 --> 00:27:28,063 But you know what? I blame Whole Foods. 560 00:27:28,147 --> 00:27:30,315 I do. They're just bored at Whole Foods. 561 00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:32,776 They're like, "What else can we sell these idiots? 562 00:27:33,610 --> 00:27:35,487 Just get me a plant. 563 00:27:36,113 --> 00:27:38,824 Not that one. That's poison ivy. 564 00:27:39,283 --> 00:27:41,368 Wait. Can we make milk out of that? 565 00:27:42,202 --> 00:27:43,579 Give me the other one. What is this? 566 00:27:43,661 --> 00:27:45,038 Kale? It tastes bad? 567 00:27:45,122 --> 00:27:46,957 They'll think it's good for them. 568 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,250 Charge 20 bucks for it." 569 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:49,334 And we're like, "Ah." 570 00:27:50,752 --> 00:27:53,463 But I go to Whole Foods. I do. I waste my money there. 571 00:27:53,547 --> 00:27:55,299 They should just have a garbage can at the entrance 572 00:27:55,382 --> 00:27:57,759 of Whole Foods with a picture of a wallet over it. 573 00:27:57,843 --> 00:27:58,886 You just go... 574 00:28:00,804 --> 00:28:02,680 OK, how many items do I get? I get two? 575 00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:07,144 OK, um, I'll have the grapes for 500. 576 00:28:08,270 --> 00:28:12,482 And, Alex, I'll have the loaf of bread made of wood for 10. 577 00:28:12,608 --> 00:28:13,984 [laughter] 578 00:28:14,109 --> 00:28:16,737 I'll put the rest on my Amazon wish list. 579 00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:20,240 What is the business idea of Whole Foods? 580 00:28:20,324 --> 00:28:23,911 It's like Costco, but instead of bulk, you get nothing. 581 00:28:25,495 --> 00:28:27,372 You ever look at your bill when you're leaving Whole Foods? 582 00:28:27,456 --> 00:28:30,708 You're like, "Wow, I'm really not good at managing money." 583 00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:32,377 [laughter] 584 00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:35,756 Because you only remember how expensive it is when you get there. 585 00:28:35,839 --> 00:28:37,674 You're like, "These prices... 586 00:28:37,758 --> 00:28:40,427 I'm too lazy to go to another store. 587 00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:46,600 You win again, Whole Foods. Tricked me again." 588 00:28:47,392 --> 00:28:49,561 You guys are nice. I should have showered. 589 00:28:50,938 --> 00:28:52,689 I'm sure most of you showered. Yeah. 590 00:28:52,773 --> 00:28:55,817 There's probably one or two weirdos out there that took a bath. 591 00:28:56,902 --> 00:29:00,239 A bath, how much free time do you have on your hands? 592 00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:04,701 What, are you taking a break from ruling ancient Egypt? 593 00:29:04,785 --> 00:29:07,371 I don't have anything to do, 594 00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:09,581 and I'll never have anything to do, 595 00:29:09,665 --> 00:29:12,417 so I'll just sit in a pool of my own filth. 596 00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:14,503 [laughter] 597 00:29:14,670 --> 00:29:17,214 Ah, luxury. 598 00:29:18,507 --> 00:29:21,510 I should probably take a shower after this bath, huh? 599 00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:23,720 I have taken a bath. 600 00:29:23,804 --> 00:29:25,681 It always seems like it's gonna be relaxing. 601 00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,767 You're like, "Ah. This is so boring! 602 00:29:29,935 --> 00:29:32,771 No wonder people kill themselves in these things, huh?" 603 00:29:33,814 --> 00:29:36,483 Don't worry. No one here has killed themselves in a bath. 604 00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:39,945 My point is no one takes baths 605 00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:43,282 except for that weird couple in the Cialis commercial. 606 00:29:45,575 --> 00:29:49,329 What kind of disposable income does that couple have? 607 00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:52,332 "Honey, after our pill-induced lovemaking, 608 00:29:53,375 --> 00:29:56,003 what do you say we sit in the side-by-side tubs 609 00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,213 on the porch?" 610 00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:01,383 What is the message of that commercial? 611 00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:02,592 This pill is so good, 612 00:30:02,676 --> 00:30:04,261 you're gonna have to take a bath afterwards. 613 00:30:04,845 --> 00:30:06,305 I'd do separate baths. 614 00:30:06,388 --> 00:30:07,973 Hell, do it outside. It's gonna be messy. 615 00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:09,433 You know what I mean, fellas? 616 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,395 Those erectile dysfunction commercials 617 00:30:13,478 --> 00:30:15,188 are just there to ruin your night. 618 00:30:15,272 --> 00:30:16,523 They're like, "You enjoying your show? 619 00:30:16,606 --> 00:30:17,983 Just a reminder, in a couple years, 620 00:30:18,066 --> 00:30:19,735 you're gonna need a pill to do anything. 621 00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:21,820 Back to your show." 622 00:30:24,406 --> 00:30:26,616 I took a shower. Didn't happen right away. 623 00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:29,369 You ever have one of those days? You're like, "Ah, I got to take a shower." 624 00:30:29,453 --> 00:30:31,580 Just hours pass. 625 00:30:32,039 --> 00:30:34,249 "Ah, I still got to take a shower." 626 00:30:34,333 --> 00:30:37,836 And then when you finally do, it feels like such an accomplishment. 627 00:30:38,128 --> 00:30:41,715 "Hey, I took a shower. I'm a go-getter. 628 00:30:42,591 --> 00:30:45,719 Showerer. Well, time for bed." 629 00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:50,807 Shampooed and conditioned my hair, as you can tell. 630 00:30:50,891 --> 00:30:54,227 You got to condition your hair because everyone else does. 631 00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:57,439 Someone told me the reason we're supposed to condition our hair 632 00:30:57,522 --> 00:31:00,442 is because we shampoo our hair too often. 633 00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:03,195 So instead of using one product less often, 634 00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:05,280 we just added another product. 635 00:31:05,364 --> 00:31:07,574 Yeah, my wife didn't like me drinking beer every night, 636 00:31:07,657 --> 00:31:10,786 so to make her feel better, I started drinking beer and whiskey. 637 00:31:11,828 --> 00:31:13,914 Maybe that'll get her off my back. 638 00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:16,083 Who's that guy? 639 00:31:17,042 --> 00:31:18,168 Shampoo and conditioner. 640 00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:21,713 Always identical bottles for no other reason but to confuse us. 641 00:31:22,339 --> 00:31:24,800 You ever accidentally pour out the conditioner first? 642 00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:28,553 You're like, "Oh, crap! That's, like, 3 bucks!" 643 00:31:29,513 --> 00:31:31,723 You ever try and put it back in? You're like... 644 00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:33,558 [laughter] 645 00:31:33,642 --> 00:31:35,936 "Damn hole's too small." 646 00:31:36,019 --> 00:31:37,771 I always end up holding on to it 647 00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:40,107 and open the shampoo bottle with the other hand. 648 00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,818 Now, I'll just mix that together. 649 00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:45,904 Hope that doesn't start a fire or something. 650 00:31:47,406 --> 00:31:48,698 There is that product. 651 00:31:48,782 --> 00:31:50,575 It's shampoo and conditioner in one. 652 00:31:50,659 --> 00:31:51,827 I don't trust it. 653 00:31:52,828 --> 00:31:55,831 I don't like my peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. 654 00:31:56,248 --> 00:31:57,707 That's for Goobers. 655 00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:00,627 That joke's for goobers. 656 00:32:01,545 --> 00:32:04,381 There are so many goos and potions in our showers. 657 00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:06,466 And they're all just soaps with different names, right? 658 00:32:06,550 --> 00:32:08,969 This is a soap for your hair. This is a soap for your body. 659 00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:12,431 This is a facial scrub, which is soap with sand in it. 660 00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:14,099 [laughter] 661 00:32:14,182 --> 00:32:16,143 My favorite shower goo or potion, though, 662 00:32:16,226 --> 00:32:19,813 has to be body wash and not just because it sounds creepy. 663 00:32:19,896 --> 00:32:22,232 It's like, "Hey, I got you some body wash." 664 00:32:22,816 --> 00:32:24,985 "Yeah, I got you a restraining order." 665 00:32:26,528 --> 00:32:28,697 Body wash. 666 00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:32,075 Wash the body. 667 00:32:32,868 --> 00:32:35,620 Body wash. 668 00:32:36,204 --> 00:32:38,582 I'm gonna wash your body... 669 00:32:39,249 --> 00:32:41,042 [whispers] while you sleep. 670 00:32:43,879 --> 00:32:47,299 You can only use body wash on your body. Use it on your face, you die. 671 00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:49,885 It's the truth. 672 00:32:50,177 --> 00:32:52,053 I remember when they first introduced body wash. 673 00:32:52,137 --> 00:32:54,389 I was at a drugstore, and I was like, "This is so stupid." 674 00:32:54,473 --> 00:32:55,724 Body wash. 675 00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:58,518 Now I'm like, "Honey, we're all out of body wash. 676 00:32:58,602 --> 00:32:59,895 Can you get some more body wash? 677 00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:01,938 That soap's so hard to use. 678 00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:05,609 Get the body wash that has 'energy' printed on it. 679 00:33:05,692 --> 00:33:08,403 I need my body wash to give me energy." 680 00:33:08,487 --> 00:33:10,447 That's what's printed on our bottle of body wash. 681 00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:11,865 "Energy" in bold. 682 00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:13,450 Like, they didn't even bother 683 00:33:13,533 --> 00:33:16,661 to think of a misleading adjective that made sense. 684 00:33:17,204 --> 00:33:20,290 Oh, what should we put on the bottle of body wash? 685 00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:21,791 Fuel-efficient. 686 00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,793 [laughter] 687 00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:25,045 Low-calorie. 688 00:33:26,046 --> 00:33:27,547 Something like that. 689 00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:29,883 But it doesn't matter what it says 690 00:33:29,966 --> 00:33:31,801 on all those goos and potions, right? 691 00:33:31,885 --> 00:33:34,679 They're snake oils, because when it comes to cleanliness, 692 00:33:34,763 --> 00:33:36,097 we will believe anything. 693 00:33:36,181 --> 00:33:39,309 We're like, "Oh, a facial scrub made of avocados. 694 00:33:39,434 --> 00:33:41,144 That makes sense. 695 00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:45,065 And it only costs $50. 696 00:33:45,899 --> 00:33:48,777 Funny, I bought an avocado today for 99¢. 697 00:33:50,070 --> 00:33:52,531 [gasps] Well, this must be good shampoo. 698 00:33:52,614 --> 00:33:55,742 It's from France. And they're known for cleanliness. 699 00:33:56,117 --> 00:33:58,203 [laughter and applause] 700 00:33:58,328 --> 00:33:59,996 At least I think it's shampoo. 701 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:01,957 Douche de what? 702 00:34:02,791 --> 00:34:05,877 The French are douching their hair?" 703 00:34:06,253 --> 00:34:08,505 I did that joke in Montreal, and no one laughed. 704 00:34:11,216 --> 00:34:13,593 It really comes down to we don't want to smell, right? 705 00:34:13,677 --> 00:34:15,095 You ever catch yourself smelling, 706 00:34:15,178 --> 00:34:17,806 and you're like, "Oh, my God. I gotta... 707 00:34:18,139 --> 00:34:19,641 smell that again." 708 00:34:21,268 --> 00:34:22,686 You're, like, drawn to it. 709 00:34:22,769 --> 00:34:25,730 You're like, "That is alluring." 710 00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:29,776 "Honey, get over here. I got a treat for you." 711 00:34:31,027 --> 00:34:33,113 But we smell because we're animals, right? 712 00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:36,199 We're just self-cleaning animals. We're like cats. We're like... 713 00:34:37,367 --> 00:34:39,035 I know we're supposed to be like apes, 714 00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:41,037 but they're picking bugs off each other and eating it. 715 00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:42,497 We're like cats. 716 00:34:42,706 --> 00:34:45,917 We self-clean. We're grumpy. We're finicky eaters. 717 00:34:46,001 --> 00:34:47,460 I don't want to eat that. 718 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,464 I don't feel like eating that right now. 719 00:34:52,674 --> 00:34:54,342 We like to think we're like dogs. 720 00:34:54,426 --> 00:34:56,845 I mean, I wish I was a dog. Dogs are always in a good mood. 721 00:34:56,928 --> 00:34:59,389 They're like, "What is that? Throw-up? I'll eat it. 722 00:35:00,724 --> 00:35:03,977 I don't care. I'm just happy to be here." 723 00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:06,813 Dogs are happy to be anywhere. 724 00:35:07,689 --> 00:35:09,190 You ever see a homeless guy with a dog? 725 00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:11,109 The dog's like, "This isn't that bad. 726 00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,363 I was begging for food anyway. I mean..." 727 00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:18,158 [laughter] 728 00:35:18,533 --> 00:35:21,536 But we're more like cats, right? But we can't even be like a cat 729 00:35:21,620 --> 00:35:24,623 because a cat could scratch itself on a stationary object, 730 00:35:24,706 --> 00:35:26,916 and we'd be like, "That's adorable." 731 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:30,879 But if I scratch myself on a mannequin 732 00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:33,798 at Victoria's Secret, 733 00:35:34,424 --> 00:35:35,925 they call security. 734 00:35:36,009 --> 00:35:38,219 If I'm just like, "Oh, I got an itch here." 735 00:35:39,429 --> 00:35:41,890 Especially if I'm purring, if I'm like... [purring] 736 00:35:44,184 --> 00:35:46,478 Lots of undies around here, huh? 737 00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,522 You can't do that in Victoria's Secret. 738 00:35:49,606 --> 00:35:51,900 I have been to Victoria's Secret. I had a reason. 739 00:35:51,983 --> 00:35:54,319 You know, as a man, you need a reason to be in Victoria's Secret. 740 00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:57,072 You can't just be in there like, "I'm looking around. 741 00:35:57,697 --> 00:35:59,991 See what you ladies are buying." 742 00:36:01,743 --> 00:36:03,912 I was getting my wife something for Valentine's Day. 743 00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:06,039 You have to reach a point in a relationship where you can 744 00:36:06,122 --> 00:36:07,707 get a woman something from Victoria's Secret. 745 00:36:07,791 --> 00:36:11,002 It's not like a first-date thing, like, "Thanks for meeting me for dinner. 746 00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:12,921 I got you a bustier. 747 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:16,633 Why don't you go in the bano and throw that on?" 748 00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:18,510 [laughter] 749 00:36:18,635 --> 00:36:21,513 Secretly, every guy wants to go in Victoria's Secret. 750 00:36:21,596 --> 00:36:24,808 We walk by in the mall. We're like, "Oh, one day. 751 00:36:26,017 --> 00:36:28,311 One day, I'll have a reason." 752 00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:30,814 Because, you know, we've seen the catalog. 753 00:36:30,897 --> 00:36:32,399 You don't even have to search out the catalog. 754 00:36:32,482 --> 00:36:33,858 It just shows up in your mail. 755 00:36:33,942 --> 00:36:35,652 You're like, "Oh, what's this? 756 00:36:35,735 --> 00:36:38,822 Seems like there's some good articles in here. 757 00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:44,744 If I wasn't married, I could get rejected by all these women." 758 00:36:45,495 --> 00:36:46,955 And guys, we're just dumb enough, 759 00:36:47,038 --> 00:36:49,249 we see that Victoria's Secret store, 760 00:36:49,332 --> 00:36:51,918 and we think, "Maybe that's where those models live. 761 00:36:53,336 --> 00:36:55,130 They're probably in there right now, 762 00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,006 walking around in angels' wings. 763 00:36:58,967 --> 00:37:01,886 They're probably in there having a pillow fight right now. 764 00:37:02,721 --> 00:37:05,557 If I could find a practical reason to go in there, 765 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,851 it would be amazing." 766 00:37:08,268 --> 00:37:10,854 And then you finally go into Victoria's Secret, 767 00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:13,273 and it's like a Greyhound bus station. 768 00:37:14,816 --> 00:37:17,569 What, are you guys in between shifts in here? 769 00:37:18,361 --> 00:37:20,697 Where's all the angels? 770 00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:23,408 There's just stressed out salesladies with headsets on. 771 00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:25,368 "Underwear, underwear, underwear." 772 00:37:25,493 --> 00:37:26,828 [laughter] 773 00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:29,748 "Where's the open bar?" 774 00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:34,002 But you're still a guy in a woman's underwear store. 775 00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:36,004 And you don't want to look like a creep. 776 00:37:36,087 --> 00:37:37,839 That's why every man at Victoria's Secret 777 00:37:37,922 --> 00:37:41,634 has the same expression on his face of, "Boring! 778 00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:44,429 This is place is boring because I'm not a pervert. 779 00:37:45,388 --> 00:37:48,349 There's nothing stimulating in here because it's boring to me, 780 00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:52,479 especially those huge posters of supermodels mostly naked. 781 00:37:52,562 --> 00:37:54,814 Boring." [chuckles] 782 00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:58,026 I didn't know what I was looking for, so I went up to a saleslady 783 00:37:58,109 --> 00:38:00,779 who had the warmth of a TSA screener. 784 00:38:00,862 --> 00:38:02,280 "What do you want?" "Nothing. 785 00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:04,157 I didn't touch anything. I'm leaving." 786 00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:05,909 I was trying to be discreet. 787 00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:08,953 I was like, "Look, I'm looking for something for my wife. 788 00:38:09,162 --> 00:38:11,539 She's very intelligent. 789 00:38:12,582 --> 00:38:14,459 She's creative." 790 00:38:14,542 --> 00:38:17,253 Because you can't say, "I'm looking for a slutty outfit." 791 00:38:18,922 --> 00:38:23,134 "She volunteers. She's organized. 792 00:38:23,218 --> 00:38:25,804 Maybe that French maid's outfit would be good." 793 00:38:26,638 --> 00:38:28,515 Then I was thrown because the saleslady was like, 794 00:38:28,598 --> 00:38:30,433 "What size?" And I was like, "Size? 795 00:38:30,517 --> 00:38:34,646 Uh, female? Small?" 796 00:38:34,729 --> 00:38:36,523 Because you don't want to guess too big. 797 00:38:36,606 --> 00:38:38,441 You don't want to be like, "Hey, you'll grow into it. 798 00:38:39,442 --> 00:38:41,110 I thought you was much bigger." 799 00:38:41,528 --> 00:38:44,906 You can't ask a stranger, like, "Hey. Excuse me there, lady. 800 00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:47,158 You look like you got a keister like my wife's. 801 00:38:47,659 --> 00:38:49,202 What size undies you got there? 802 00:38:49,285 --> 00:38:52,497 Maybe you could try on this outfit I got." 803 00:38:53,581 --> 00:38:55,250 I just wanted it over with. 804 00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:58,253 When I was paying, I assumed the awkwardness was over 805 00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:00,213 until they handed me my purchase 806 00:39:00,296 --> 00:39:03,424 in a bright pink Victoria's Secret bag 807 00:39:03,508 --> 00:39:06,594 that I had to carry around the mall the rest of the day 808 00:39:06,678 --> 00:39:09,097 that might as well have just said "pervert" on the side. 809 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:12,475 [humming] 810 00:39:12,559 --> 00:39:14,978 ♪ Me and my ladies' undies ♪ 811 00:39:15,061 --> 00:39:16,104 [laughter] 812 00:39:16,187 --> 00:39:18,982 I like ladies' undies so much, I got a bag full of them. 813 00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:23,111 ♪ Heading into Burger King ♪ 814 00:39:23,653 --> 00:39:25,029 Yeah, I'll have a Whopper with cheese 815 00:39:25,113 --> 00:39:28,032 and a small fries for the ladies' undies. 816 00:39:29,117 --> 00:39:31,744 When I got home, I realized you have to find the right time 817 00:39:31,828 --> 00:39:33,830 to give your gift from Victoria's Secret. 818 00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:36,332 You can't be like, "Hey, when you're done changing that diaper, 819 00:39:36,416 --> 00:39:39,043 I got another changie-poo for you. 820 00:39:39,752 --> 00:39:43,965 It's a little gift from me to you that's really for me." 821 00:39:45,425 --> 00:39:47,093 Because if you're buying a woman something 822 00:39:47,176 --> 00:39:49,596 from Victoria's Secret, it's really a gift for you. 823 00:39:49,679 --> 00:39:51,681 It's like, "Here, I got me this. 824 00:39:51,931 --> 00:39:53,266 [laughter] 825 00:39:53,349 --> 00:39:55,643 Thank you. I'm welcome." 826 00:39:57,145 --> 00:39:59,564 I am never going back there again. 827 00:40:01,524 --> 00:40:03,776 I don't know. It's good to be here in Boston. 828 00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:07,405 -[cheers and applause] -Oh, I love Boston... This is a... 829 00:40:07,697 --> 00:40:10,199 Boston's a tough city, right? 830 00:40:10,283 --> 00:40:12,118 It's like, Boston! 831 00:40:12,201 --> 00:40:15,455 Boston! Lob-stah! 832 00:40:16,039 --> 00:40:18,082 I love the Boston energy. 833 00:40:18,166 --> 00:40:19,876 And you guys, all of New England, 834 00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:22,003 you guys love your seafood, 835 00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:24,714 and it's just disgusting. 836 00:40:25,506 --> 00:40:29,928 Lob-stah! Lob-stah! 837 00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:33,097 I was vacationing on Cape Cod because I'm white. 838 00:40:33,348 --> 00:40:36,976 -And... -[laughter and applause] 839 00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:39,395 I was at this seafood restaurant, right? 840 00:40:39,479 --> 00:40:41,022 And this guy came over to our table. 841 00:40:41,105 --> 00:40:42,899 Wasn't even our waiter. He came over to the table. 842 00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:44,400 He was like, "Hey, I couldn't help..." 843 00:40:44,484 --> 00:40:46,444 I don't know how to do the Boston accent. 844 00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:48,237 "You're not eating lobster. 845 00:40:48,321 --> 00:40:50,949 Is there a reason why you're not eating lob-stah?" 846 00:40:51,407 --> 00:40:54,327 And I was like, "Uh, I thought I'd order what I want. 847 00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:58,039 I wasn't really in the mood for bug meat." 848 00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:00,708 Because that's what shellfish are. 849 00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:02,543 They're just creepy-crawly, giant insects 850 00:41:02,627 --> 00:41:04,003 on the bottom of the ocean. 851 00:41:04,087 --> 00:41:05,588 You know fish are swimming around like, 852 00:41:05,672 --> 00:41:07,966 "We got to get an exterminator up in this piece." 853 00:41:08,633 --> 00:41:11,386 They're bugs. They have a shell like a bug. 854 00:41:11,469 --> 00:41:13,721 They have spindly legs and crawl around like a bug. 855 00:41:13,805 --> 00:41:16,140 They have antennae like a monster. 856 00:41:16,265 --> 00:41:17,266 [laughter] 857 00:41:17,350 --> 00:41:18,601 They're probably monsters. 858 00:41:18,685 --> 00:41:20,603 Like, if you went home and you saw a chicken in your house, 859 00:41:20,687 --> 00:41:22,897 you'd be like, "What the hell's a chicken doing in my house?" 860 00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:25,274 But if you saw a lobster, you'd be like, "We're moving." 861 00:41:25,358 --> 00:41:26,985 [laughter] 862 00:41:27,151 --> 00:41:29,278 Because there's not a nickel's worth of difference 863 00:41:29,362 --> 00:41:32,448 between a lobster and a giant scorpion. 864 00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:36,661 Now, I understand everyone loves lobster, "I love lobster." 865 00:41:36,744 --> 00:41:39,789 Hey, I like butter too, OK? 866 00:41:40,748 --> 00:41:43,459 How can I eat three sticks of butter? 867 00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:46,879 Well, I found this giant, swimming sea scorpion. 868 00:41:48,464 --> 00:41:52,135 It's just a spoonful of butter helps the bug meat go down. 869 00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:55,471 In the most delightful way. 870 00:41:56,931 --> 00:41:58,099 Lobster tail. 871 00:41:58,182 --> 00:42:01,019 Is that the area near the butt? Mmm. 872 00:42:02,478 --> 00:42:04,605 That's what I want, a little turf and bug butt. 873 00:42:04,689 --> 00:42:06,983 Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. 874 00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:09,569 How about those restaurants where you have to pick out your own lobster? 875 00:42:09,652 --> 00:42:11,612 You're like, "I guess I'll take that one 876 00:42:11,821 --> 00:42:14,198 that's really struggling with the rubber bands. 877 00:42:14,323 --> 00:42:16,117 [laughter] 878 00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,245 He seems appealing. Why don't we boil him to death?" 879 00:42:20,621 --> 00:42:23,291 Why am I involved in this decision? 880 00:42:25,877 --> 00:42:28,254 But the Northeast? It's all shellfish. 881 00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:29,797 Maryland with the crab. 882 00:42:29,881 --> 00:42:33,009 Isn't it kind of a red flag you need a hammer to eat a crab? 883 00:42:33,092 --> 00:42:34,385 Oh, you're having the crab? 884 00:42:34,469 --> 00:42:38,181 Let me get you some tools, so you can crack open 885 00:42:38,264 --> 00:42:40,808 that bug shell and get that half a bite of bug meat. 886 00:42:42,018 --> 00:42:43,644 Crab, it's too much work. 887 00:42:43,728 --> 00:42:45,897 They're like the pistachio of seafood. 888 00:42:47,315 --> 00:42:49,192 And there's that nasty part of the crab 889 00:42:49,275 --> 00:42:52,028 you're not supposed to eat. I think it's called all of it! 890 00:42:52,904 --> 00:42:57,116 'Cause they're crabs, as in the sexually transmitted disease. 891 00:42:57,784 --> 00:43:01,704 That has the same name because it's the exact same thing! 892 00:43:02,413 --> 00:43:05,041 They're just the baby version of the dinner crab. 893 00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:06,876 You know God's up in heaven going, 894 00:43:06,959 --> 00:43:10,755 "What do I gotta do to stop them from eating the crabs? 895 00:43:11,464 --> 00:43:13,299 I gave it a rock-hard shell. 896 00:43:13,382 --> 00:43:14,717 I put it on the bottom of the ocean. 897 00:43:14,801 --> 00:43:17,220 I named a disease after it. 898 00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:20,890 Jesus, you're gonna have to go back down there." 899 00:43:20,973 --> 00:43:22,391 [laughter and applause] 900 00:43:22,475 --> 00:43:23,851 I don't even know how people 901 00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:25,686 order crabs with a straight face. 902 00:43:25,770 --> 00:43:27,396 "Yeah, my wife and I... You know what? 903 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:29,398 I'll get crabs, and I'll give her some. 904 00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:31,150 [laughter and applause] 905 00:43:31,234 --> 00:43:33,694 Don't tell her. I want it to be a surprise." 906 00:43:34,654 --> 00:43:36,864 Even the crab as a creature is creepy. 907 00:43:36,948 --> 00:43:40,118 It always looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation. 908 00:43:40,201 --> 00:43:41,786 [laughter] 909 00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:44,580 "Is that... Oh, I owe that guy money. Crap." 910 00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:48,292 Clams and oysters. 911 00:43:48,376 --> 00:43:50,461 How did we even start eating those? 912 00:43:50,753 --> 00:43:53,673 "Hey, I found a rock with a snot in it. 913 00:43:55,174 --> 00:43:56,843 I was thinking of eating it." 914 00:43:56,926 --> 00:43:58,052 "Go ahead." 915 00:43:58,136 --> 00:43:59,679 "All right." [slurps] 916 00:44:00,054 --> 00:44:01,722 "What's it taste like?" "Pneumonia." 917 00:44:01,848 --> 00:44:03,224 [laughter] 918 00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:04,976 Oysters on the half shell. 919 00:44:05,059 --> 00:44:07,019 As opposed to what, in a Kleenex? 920 00:44:08,437 --> 00:44:10,273 Even the way you're supposed to eat an oyster... 921 00:44:10,356 --> 00:44:12,108 Squeeze some lemon, a little hot sauce, 922 00:44:12,191 --> 00:44:14,110 throw it down the back of your throat, take a shot of vodka, 923 00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:16,028 and try and forget you ate a snot from a rock. 924 00:44:17,029 --> 00:44:18,447 That's not how you eat something. 925 00:44:18,531 --> 00:44:21,033 That's how you overdose on sleeping pills. 926 00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:23,578 Pearls come from oysters. 927 00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:26,622 Yeah, I try not to eat things that also make jewelry. 928 00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:27,957 [laughter] 929 00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:30,084 Oysters are an aphrodisiac? 930 00:44:30,168 --> 00:44:31,794 Why would we ever believe that? 931 00:44:31,878 --> 00:44:34,881 What do you say you and I grab some snots from a rock? 932 00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:38,301 See what happens. Maybe we'll end up at my place. 933 00:44:38,384 --> 00:44:40,678 Maybe we'll end up at the emergency room. 934 00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:44,307 Let it happen, baby. 935 00:44:45,349 --> 00:44:46,934 Clam chowder. 936 00:44:47,143 --> 00:44:48,644 How can we sell more clams? 937 00:44:48,728 --> 00:44:50,938 Why don't we put it in a soup that looks like vomit? 938 00:44:51,063 --> 00:44:52,440 [laughter] 939 00:44:52,565 --> 00:44:54,108 He went too far. Let's kill him. 940 00:44:56,027 --> 00:44:58,905 But most seafood gives me the willies. Like anchovies. 941 00:44:58,988 --> 00:45:02,491 What exactly is the difference between an anchovy and a sweaty eyebrow? 942 00:45:02,658 --> 00:45:04,160 [laughter] 943 00:45:04,285 --> 00:45:05,912 Because whenever I see an anchovy, 944 00:45:05,995 --> 00:45:08,331 I think, "Someone has attacked Tom Selleck." 945 00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:12,877 Why would you put that in a salad? 946 00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:15,671 Squid, more like the swimming sea spider. 947 00:45:15,755 --> 00:45:17,924 "But I like calamari." 948 00:45:18,299 --> 00:45:21,552 You could deep-fry a rubber hose, it would taste good. 949 00:45:21,844 --> 00:45:24,222 A little cocktail sauce, this is good hose. 950 00:45:25,139 --> 00:45:27,308 Octopus? Really? 951 00:45:27,391 --> 00:45:30,811 "Octo" meaning "eight," "pus" meaning "really?" 952 00:45:32,230 --> 00:45:34,440 Yes. The pus part's my favorite. 953 00:45:34,899 --> 00:45:38,152 The suction cups remind me we need a new bathtub mat. 954 00:45:40,238 --> 00:45:42,281 I wish I liked seafood. I do. 955 00:45:42,365 --> 00:45:45,493 I live near Chinatown in New York because I'm Chinese. 956 00:45:45,618 --> 00:45:46,661 [laughter] 957 00:45:46,743 --> 00:45:49,956 And like most Chinatowns, a lot of the restaurants in Chinatown 958 00:45:50,039 --> 00:45:52,500 have live seafood tanks in the windows. 959 00:45:52,583 --> 00:45:54,543 And I'm always like, "Uh, do you want us to come in there, 960 00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:58,005 or are these sea monsters protecting your establishment?" 961 00:45:59,465 --> 00:46:01,717 Because I is scared. 962 00:46:01,884 --> 00:46:04,512 And I love Chinese food, and I love the Chinese culture. 963 00:46:04,595 --> 00:46:05,972 And I'm not just saying that 964 00:46:06,055 --> 00:46:08,849 because we're all gonna be working for them in six months. 965 00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:12,186 The Chinese have an amazing culture. They do. 966 00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:16,232 3,000 years ago, they were doing brain surgery in China, 967 00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:18,734 yet they still haven't figured out dessert. 968 00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:21,195 You ever go to a Chinese restaurant? 969 00:46:21,279 --> 00:46:23,072 I'm not talking about the fancy Chinese restaurant 970 00:46:23,155 --> 00:46:24,740 that has the tea ice cream that tastes like 971 00:46:24,824 --> 00:46:26,242 a pack of menthol cigarettes. 972 00:46:26,325 --> 00:46:27,493 [laughter] 973 00:46:27,576 --> 00:46:29,078 I'm talking about a regular Chinese restaurant 974 00:46:29,161 --> 00:46:30,997 where the dessert options, there's two, right? 975 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:32,290 There's sliced oranges. 976 00:46:32,373 --> 00:46:33,457 Whoa. 977 00:46:35,334 --> 00:46:37,253 I don't want to overwork the kitchen. 978 00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:42,174 Oranges? What, did a schooner just arrive from the Caribbean? 979 00:46:43,426 --> 00:46:46,012 Looks like our scurvy's cured, fellas. 980 00:46:47,138 --> 00:46:49,473 There's sliced oranges, or there's the fortune cookie, 981 00:46:49,557 --> 00:46:50,975 which is not even a Chinese thing. 982 00:46:51,058 --> 00:46:52,518 It's an American thing, and we gave it to them. 983 00:46:52,601 --> 00:46:53,728 And they were like, "We don't want it." 984 00:46:53,810 --> 00:46:56,397 And we were like, "It's now part of your ethnic identity." 985 00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:57,773 [laughter] 986 00:46:57,982 --> 00:47:00,151 Don't you feel like the fortune in every fortune cookie 987 00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:02,737 should be, "You are about to eat a stale cookie"? 988 00:47:03,571 --> 00:47:06,574 Hey, my fortune came true! 989 00:47:07,283 --> 00:47:10,036 Everyone has the same reaction to fortune cookies. 990 00:47:10,119 --> 00:47:12,079 They're always like, "These things are so stu-- 991 00:47:12,163 --> 00:47:13,914 What does mine say?" 992 00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:17,043 Like there's some ancient wisdom in there. 993 00:47:17,126 --> 00:47:18,919 As if Confucius himself was putting 994 00:47:19,003 --> 00:47:21,589 a tiny piece of paper into a tiny typewriter. 995 00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:26,177 "Happiness is a... long journey." 996 00:47:27,844 --> 00:47:29,638 15. 997 00:47:29,722 --> 00:47:31,057 31. 998 00:47:31,223 --> 00:47:33,017 [laughter] 999 00:47:33,184 --> 00:47:34,268 12. 1000 00:47:35,770 --> 00:47:37,897 Put this in a stale cookie for me, would you? 1001 00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:40,274 It's like they wait for them to be stale. 1002 00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:42,859 How old are these, 1990? Let's wait a little longer. 1003 00:47:45,029 --> 00:47:47,864 I do feel sorry for the person who created the cookie 1004 00:47:47,948 --> 00:47:49,492 that ended up being the fortune cookie 1005 00:47:49,575 --> 00:47:51,118 because they were probably pretty proud. 1006 00:47:51,202 --> 00:47:53,537 They were like, "Hey, you gonna try my new cookie? "Tell me what you think of it. 1007 00:47:53,621 --> 00:47:54,747 Try my new cookie. Tell me what you think." 1008 00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:55,998 "All right. I'll try it. Here you go. 1009 00:47:56,082 --> 00:47:57,500 "Mmm, oh. 1010 00:47:57,583 --> 00:47:59,668 You know what this could use is some paper. 1011 00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:02,671 Oh, this would be good for holding a note 1012 00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:04,840 or a recipe for a good cookie." 1013 00:48:05,049 --> 00:48:07,426 [laughter] 1014 00:48:07,676 --> 00:48:09,053 "How much do you think I could charge for it?" 1015 00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:11,263 I'd give it away with the check. 1016 00:48:13,015 --> 00:48:14,725 You got a spit bucket around here?" 1017 00:48:14,975 --> 00:48:16,893 [laughter] 1018 00:48:17,144 --> 00:48:19,772 But I love Asian food. I love Kobe beef. 1019 00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:22,316 I know I look like a vegetarian, but I'm not. 1020 00:48:23,025 --> 00:48:24,568 Kobe beef, if you're not familiar with that, 1021 00:48:24,652 --> 00:48:29,698 that comes from cows that are fed beer and massaged with sake. 1022 00:48:29,906 --> 00:48:32,743 I heard that, and I was like, "I want to be Kobe beef. 1023 00:48:33,619 --> 00:48:34,745 Where do I sign up for--" 1024 00:48:34,829 --> 00:48:37,164 Those are some happy cows. 1025 00:48:37,248 --> 00:48:39,125 They have no idea they're on death row. 1026 00:48:39,208 --> 00:48:43,170 They're like, "This is the life! [cackles] 1027 00:48:43,254 --> 00:48:46,507 A little lower. A little lower, honey. 1028 00:48:48,092 --> 00:48:51,011 What the hell, this cow's going for another beer. 1029 00:48:51,262 --> 00:48:53,806 You Japanese love design. 1030 00:48:53,889 --> 00:48:57,017 That sake bottle actually looks like a hatchet. 1031 00:48:57,101 --> 00:48:59,687 Ow!" 1032 00:48:59,770 --> 00:49:03,357 It's just a drunk cow, and it's appealing. 1033 00:49:03,441 --> 00:49:05,109 Which means it's only a matter of time, 1034 00:49:05,192 --> 00:49:06,652 "[gasps] You have to try this chicken. 1035 00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:08,988 It was raised solely on Doritos." 1036 00:49:09,946 --> 00:49:12,658 "What kind?" "Cool Ranch." 1037 00:49:14,118 --> 00:49:15,870 But really Kobe beef shows you 1038 00:49:15,952 --> 00:49:17,830 how decadent we've become, right? 1039 00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:20,416 Now it's not enough that we live a life of luxury. 1040 00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:23,627 Now we need to eat things that have lived a life of luxury. 1041 00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:25,921 "I understand this cow had a good life, 1042 00:49:26,005 --> 00:49:27,798 but did it go to private school? 1043 00:49:28,591 --> 00:49:30,885 I only eat cows that went to private school." 1044 00:49:31,343 --> 00:49:32,428 "It did." 1045 00:49:33,137 --> 00:49:35,764 "Do you have anything on your menu that owned a boat?" 1046 00:49:35,890 --> 00:49:37,433 [laughter] 1047 00:49:38,601 --> 00:49:41,353 Kobe beef, it's an interesting idea, right? 1048 00:49:41,437 --> 00:49:43,481 It must have been a surprise for someone along the way. 1049 00:49:43,564 --> 00:49:44,815 It's like, "You like that steak?" 1050 00:49:44,899 --> 00:49:46,692 "This is the best steak I've ever had in my life." 1051 00:49:46,817 --> 00:49:48,277 "You know, I fed that cow some beers." 1052 00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:50,154 "You got the cow drunk?" 1053 00:49:50,237 --> 00:49:52,239 "Yeah, and then I was massaging it." 1054 00:49:52,323 --> 00:49:53,990 "What? 1055 00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:55,326 [laughter] 1056 00:49:55,409 --> 00:49:56,911 Why? 1057 00:49:57,453 --> 00:50:01,457 Why were you massaging an animal you gave a lot of alcohol to?" 1058 00:50:02,625 --> 00:50:04,251 "So you could enjoy it." 1059 00:50:04,335 --> 00:50:06,420 "So I could enjoy it? 1060 00:50:07,796 --> 00:50:10,174 "I'm not hungry anymore. 1061 00:50:10,549 --> 00:50:13,052 I'm gonna go call Special Victims Unit. 1062 00:50:13,969 --> 00:50:16,597 Let's see what Olivia Benson thinks of this." 1063 00:50:16,889 --> 00:50:20,016 [cheers, laughter and applause] 1064 00:50:20,392 --> 00:50:22,311 But really we don't want to think about what we're eating. 1065 00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,522 You know, I love hot dogs. You can't eat a hot dog in public. 1066 00:50:24,605 --> 00:50:25,814 There's always one friend that's like, 1067 00:50:25,898 --> 00:50:27,399 "Do you know what those are made of?" 1068 00:50:27,650 --> 00:50:31,237 I don't want to know because hot dogs are like strippers. 1069 00:50:31,403 --> 00:50:33,197 No one wants to know the backstory. 1070 00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:35,031 [laughter and applause] 1071 00:50:35,115 --> 00:50:37,243 "Well, when I was 12--" Not interested. 1072 00:50:38,202 --> 00:50:39,703 Let's put mustard on that. 1073 00:50:40,329 --> 00:50:42,790 I can say that joke because I used to be a stripper. 1074 00:50:43,999 --> 00:50:46,585 I was so good, they paid me to put my clothes back on. 1075 00:50:47,419 --> 00:50:48,712 It was ridiculous. 1076 00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:51,173 We don't like to think about what we're eating. 1077 00:50:51,257 --> 00:50:55,135 Buffalo wings, chicken wings, I'm sure you savages eat those. 1078 00:50:55,219 --> 00:50:58,305 Those are baby chickens' wings that you're eating. 1079 00:50:58,389 --> 00:51:00,432 I don't eat those. I eat the chicken legs. 1080 00:51:01,350 --> 00:51:03,936 I would never take away a bird's ability to fly. 1081 00:51:04,937 --> 00:51:06,647 Some people are like, "Oh, chickens can't fly." 1082 00:51:06,730 --> 00:51:09,065 How do we know? They've become too dependent on those legs. 1083 00:51:10,526 --> 00:51:12,695 Legs are making birds lazy. 1084 00:51:12,945 --> 00:51:15,114 You ever see footage of a hippo crossing a river? 1085 00:51:15,197 --> 00:51:17,241 There's always a bird sitting on its back. 1086 00:51:18,284 --> 00:51:20,286 How lazy is that bird? 1087 00:51:21,036 --> 00:51:23,998 It's gonna take the hippo ten minutes to get across that river. 1088 00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:26,166 That bird could glide across. 1089 00:51:26,250 --> 00:51:28,252 That bird, I want to eat their legs. 1090 00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:31,130 Mostly because I'm pro-hippo. 1091 00:51:31,255 --> 00:51:32,631 [laughter] 1092 00:51:32,756 --> 00:51:35,426 I see some of you are drinking. That's not the answer. 1093 00:51:36,302 --> 00:51:37,886 It's not. Eating is. 1094 00:51:38,929 --> 00:51:41,765 It's amazing how our attitude on alcohol changes, right? 1095 00:51:41,849 --> 00:51:44,059 Because even as a teenager, you know it's wrong. 1096 00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:46,228 You're like, "You know, I don't like the taste of it, 1097 00:51:46,312 --> 00:51:48,314 but I want to look cool." 1098 00:51:48,397 --> 00:51:50,065 And then in your 20s, you're like, "You know what? 1099 00:51:50,149 --> 00:51:53,235 This kind of gives me confidence to talk to the opposite sex." 1100 00:51:53,527 --> 00:51:55,279 And then in your 40s, you're like, "You know what? 1101 00:51:55,362 --> 00:51:57,990 This is the only thing I like about being alive." 1102 00:51:58,073 --> 00:52:02,411 [cheers, laughter and applause] 1103 00:52:02,494 --> 00:52:04,580 It's only funny because it's true. 1104 00:52:07,374 --> 00:52:09,585 I'm sure some of you are gonna go to some bars, 1105 00:52:09,668 --> 00:52:10,878 head to a bar, right? 1106 00:52:10,961 --> 00:52:12,588 -[scattered cheers] -Yeah. 1107 00:52:12,671 --> 00:52:14,757 I never really feel comfortable right when I get in a bar. 1108 00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:16,717 I'm always kind of like, "Who are all these strangers?" 1109 00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:18,218 But after a couple beers, I'm like, 1110 00:52:18,302 --> 00:52:20,346 "These guys are probably my best friends." 1111 00:52:21,639 --> 00:52:23,182 Because your experience in a bar 1112 00:52:23,265 --> 00:52:25,476 changes over the course of the night, right? 1113 00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:28,604 As the night goes on, you see really why we go to bars. 1114 00:52:28,687 --> 00:52:31,106 We go to bars, so we can behave like children. 1115 00:52:31,190 --> 00:52:32,316 Toddlers, really. 1116 00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:34,068 You ever go to a bar at 2:00 a.m.? 1117 00:52:34,150 --> 00:52:36,820 You might as well be picking up a kid at nursery school. 1118 00:52:37,237 --> 00:52:38,614 It's the same experience. 1119 00:52:38,697 --> 00:52:41,157 The behavior's the same in both places. 1120 00:52:41,241 --> 00:52:43,410 Both places, there's always some strange yelling 1121 00:52:43,494 --> 00:52:44,745 for no reason at all. 1122 00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:47,998 You know, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!" 1123 00:52:48,082 --> 00:52:49,667 Both places, you go in the bathroom, 1124 00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:52,252 it's obvious not everyone's potty-trained. 1125 00:52:52,336 --> 00:52:53,462 [laughter] 1126 00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:55,714 Both places, there's always someone crying, 1127 00:52:55,798 --> 00:52:58,759 "She was my best friend. 1128 00:52:59,218 --> 00:53:01,845 But not anymore." 1129 00:53:02,846 --> 00:53:04,556 Both places, occasionally there's a fight. 1130 00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:08,519 "You know, he was standing where I wanted to stand, 1131 00:53:09,478 --> 00:53:11,271 so I punched him in the head. 1132 00:53:12,106 --> 00:53:13,649 I need more juice." 1133 00:53:14,733 --> 00:53:17,236 But at 2:00 a.m., people are drunk in bars. 1134 00:53:17,319 --> 00:53:19,780 I love how we're always surprised when someone's drunk in a bar. 1135 00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,115 We're actually shocked. 1136 00:53:21,197 --> 00:53:23,367 We're like, "Look at that guy. 1137 00:53:23,951 --> 00:53:25,953 He's wasted. 1138 00:53:26,328 --> 00:53:27,955 In a bar. 1139 00:53:29,123 --> 00:53:31,375 I came here to read a novel." 1140 00:53:32,710 --> 00:53:34,628 Mostly the people that are drunk in bars 1141 00:53:34,712 --> 00:53:36,380 are drunk because they're drinking shots. 1142 00:53:36,672 --> 00:53:39,883 And really the only time to ever drink a shot is never. 1143 00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:43,971 No one's ever drank a shot and then done something they're proud of. 1144 00:53:44,513 --> 00:53:46,932 "I got wasted last night, and then I went out 1145 00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:48,767 and built some low-income housing." 1146 00:53:48,892 --> 00:53:50,394 [laughter and applause] 1147 00:53:50,477 --> 00:53:52,187 That never happens. 1148 00:53:52,646 --> 00:53:54,148 You always wake up the next day, and you're like, 1149 00:53:54,273 --> 00:53:56,232 "I need a new identity. 1150 00:53:57,443 --> 00:53:59,069 Maybe two of them." 1151 00:53:59,862 --> 00:54:01,196 Because if you're drinking shots, 1152 00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:02,906 it's either your birthday, or you're trying 1153 00:54:02,990 --> 00:54:04,742 to forget you were ever born. 1154 00:54:05,451 --> 00:54:07,536 There is something honest about a shot. 1155 00:54:07,619 --> 00:54:09,538 It's like, "I want to get right to the embarrassing part 1156 00:54:09,621 --> 00:54:12,499 of the night, right to pants off." 1157 00:54:13,959 --> 00:54:15,502 But we don't even drink shots. 1158 00:54:15,586 --> 00:54:17,379 We take them like they're medicine. 1159 00:54:17,463 --> 00:54:19,590 This'll cure my normal behavior. 1160 00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:22,634 Everyone acts like we're in a Western. 1161 00:54:22,718 --> 00:54:26,138 [hums Western music] 1162 00:54:26,221 --> 00:54:29,975 That'll give me the courage to confront this plate of nachos. 1163 00:54:31,101 --> 00:54:33,395 [hums Western music] 1164 00:54:33,479 --> 00:54:35,314 Strangers will buy you a shot on your birthday. 1165 00:54:35,397 --> 00:54:37,483 "Hey, I don't know you. Let me buy you a shot." 1166 00:54:37,566 --> 00:54:39,359 This never happens with anything else. 1167 00:54:39,443 --> 00:54:42,321 Hey, what do you say? You and me, let's do some appetizers. 1168 00:54:43,989 --> 00:54:46,867 Jalapeno poppers, mano a mano. 1169 00:54:48,118 --> 00:54:50,954 You got to turn that shot down before they get it poured, 1170 00:54:51,038 --> 00:54:52,581 because once it's poured, they act like 1171 00:54:52,664 --> 00:54:54,958 you're rejecting a sweater they crocheted you. 1172 00:54:55,918 --> 00:54:58,003 "You know how hard I worked on this?" 1173 00:54:58,378 --> 00:54:59,755 You didn't at all. 1174 00:55:00,964 --> 00:55:03,425 But I don't mind the bars, unless they're really crowded, 1175 00:55:03,509 --> 00:55:05,511 you know, like, five or six people deep at the bar. 1176 00:55:05,594 --> 00:55:07,930 Everyone's competing for the bartender's attention. 1177 00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:11,433 We look like we're trying to get disaster relief from the Red Cross. 1178 00:55:11,517 --> 00:55:12,518 We're like... 1179 00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:15,103 [laughter] 1180 00:55:15,229 --> 00:55:17,731 "I need mine more than he needs his." 1181 00:55:18,774 --> 00:55:21,693 I can never get the bartender's attention. I'm always like... 1182 00:55:22,486 --> 00:55:24,320 We try and make eye contact. 1183 00:55:26,281 --> 00:55:27,449 Show him you have money. 1184 00:55:27,533 --> 00:55:29,034 I have cash. 1185 00:55:29,785 --> 00:55:31,703 But you can't try too hard in a crowded bar. 1186 00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:33,080 You have to act all cool. 1187 00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:35,290 You gotta be like, "I don't even care if I get served. 1188 00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:38,961 I just like standing in crowded, uncomfortable places. 1189 00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:43,841 Later on, I'm gonna swing by the airport and see what that TSA line's like. 1190 00:55:44,925 --> 00:55:46,593 I like the lines." 1191 00:55:47,052 --> 00:55:48,929 Never enough bartenders in a crowded bar. 1192 00:55:49,012 --> 00:55:51,723 Those bartenders look like they're in the middle of a triage unit. 1193 00:55:51,807 --> 00:55:54,393 They're like, "Get me 40ccs of something." 1194 00:55:55,602 --> 00:55:57,145 Never enough bartenders. 1195 00:55:57,229 --> 00:55:59,439 You ever get faked out by the arrival of a barback? 1196 00:55:59,523 --> 00:56:03,359 You're like, "Finally, another bar-- it's a barback." 1197 00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:07,447 And those poor barbacks, they always act like they're not qualified to serve you. 1198 00:56:07,531 --> 00:56:10,075 Like, [gasps] "Oh, no, no, no, no. 1199 00:56:10,366 --> 00:56:13,120 "I can carry 12 cases up a narrow staircase, 1200 00:56:13,203 --> 00:56:15,330 but handing you a beer? Not yet. 1201 00:56:15,497 --> 00:56:17,124 [laughter and applause] 1202 00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:18,542 I'm still learning 1203 00:56:19,126 --> 00:56:20,752 from the master." 1204 00:56:21,420 --> 00:56:24,214 Because in a crowded bar, the bartender is the master, right? 1205 00:56:24,298 --> 00:56:25,632 All the authority goes to that. 1206 00:56:25,716 --> 00:56:28,135 Some of them act like they're not even obligated to serve you. 1207 00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:30,971 They're like, "I don't know what I'm gonna do with all this booze. 1208 00:56:31,054 --> 00:56:32,890 Maybe I'll just pour it out and make a puddle." 1209 00:56:33,974 --> 00:56:35,058 And we fall for it. 1210 00:56:35,142 --> 00:56:37,019 We're like, "Well, it's either deal with this guy 1211 00:56:37,102 --> 00:56:39,104 or make it in our bathtub at home. 1212 00:56:40,564 --> 00:56:42,357 Damn Prohibition." 1213 00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:44,902 There's male and female bartenders. 1214 00:56:44,985 --> 00:56:46,862 Female bartenders, they always seem a little tougher 1215 00:56:46,945 --> 00:56:48,280 than they need to be, right? 1216 00:56:48,363 --> 00:56:49,448 I don't want to say "bitchy" 1217 00:56:49,531 --> 00:56:51,533 because that would describe them perfectly. 1218 00:56:51,617 --> 00:56:52,868 [laughter] 1219 00:56:52,951 --> 00:56:54,328 Not all of them. 1220 00:56:54,661 --> 00:56:56,705 Some female bartenders definitely give off that vibe 1221 00:56:56,788 --> 00:57:00,042 like, "Don't hit on me. Treat me with respect. 1222 00:57:00,292 --> 00:57:03,587 And don't be distracted by the fact I'm wearing a bikini. 1223 00:57:04,671 --> 00:57:06,006 OK, honey?" 1224 00:57:06,089 --> 00:57:08,508 They always call you "honey," like they're your grandma or something. 1225 00:57:08,592 --> 00:57:10,052 "What can I get you, honey?" 1226 00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:12,554 "I don't know. A birthday card with $2 in it? 1227 00:57:12,638 --> 00:57:14,514 [laughter and applause] 1228 00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:17,517 Uh, maybe a beer, if you're not too busy condescending me." 1229 00:57:18,894 --> 00:57:20,228 But if you've been to a bar, 1230 00:57:20,312 --> 00:57:23,565 you've probably been to a filthy public restroom. 1231 00:57:23,690 --> 00:57:25,233 We've all been in those bars where you're like, 1232 00:57:25,317 --> 00:57:28,362 "Oh, wow. Now I know why they serve alcohol here." 1233 00:57:29,154 --> 00:57:31,531 And when I'm talking about the filthy bathroom, 1234 00:57:31,615 --> 00:57:33,659 I'm talking about the men's room. I don't know about the ladies' room. 1235 00:57:33,784 --> 00:57:35,702 I haven't been in there in, like, a week. 1236 00:57:36,495 --> 00:57:39,206 But the men's room, I don't know what happens to guys 1237 00:57:39,289 --> 00:57:41,124 when we go into a public restroom. 1238 00:57:41,249 --> 00:57:43,126 Some anger comes out. 1239 00:57:43,752 --> 00:57:46,713 Some of the stuff that's written on the walls? 1240 00:57:47,673 --> 00:57:48,924 You never have a friend admit it. 1241 00:57:49,007 --> 00:57:51,510 Like, "Hey, give me a second. I've got to pee and draw a swastika. 1242 00:57:51,593 --> 00:57:52,803 I'll be right back." 1243 00:57:52,886 --> 00:57:54,304 [laughter] 1244 00:57:54,388 --> 00:57:56,473 There's guys writing things on the walls, 1245 00:57:56,682 --> 00:57:59,309 and then there are the guys that reply. 1246 00:57:59,768 --> 00:58:01,687 Some guy will write, "This place sucks." 1247 00:58:01,770 --> 00:58:03,647 Another guy will write, "No, you suck." 1248 00:58:04,523 --> 00:58:07,192 As if that first guy is ever gonna see that. 1249 00:58:08,026 --> 00:58:10,570 Like he's gathering up his friends-- "Well, this is what I wrote on this-- 1250 00:58:10,654 --> 00:58:13,782 Hey, wait a minute! 1251 00:58:13,865 --> 00:58:16,284 That guy said I suck. 1252 00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:18,662 You double suck." 1253 00:58:20,080 --> 00:58:21,415 But all public restrooms, 1254 00:58:21,498 --> 00:58:23,458 even when you go-- even at fancy places. 1255 00:58:23,542 --> 00:58:25,043 You ever go in the restroom, 1256 00:58:25,127 --> 00:58:26,753 and there's a bathroom attendant? 1257 00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:28,797 Aren't you always like, "Oh, no"? 1258 00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:30,924 Call me a loner, but if there's one thing 1259 00:58:31,008 --> 00:58:33,218 I don't want anyone attending, 1260 00:58:33,969 --> 00:58:36,888 it's when I'm using the restroom. 1261 00:58:37,097 --> 00:58:40,475 Let alone someone sticking around to sell me a paper towel. 1262 00:58:41,476 --> 00:58:43,353 They don't sell. They always wave it at you, like, 1263 00:58:43,437 --> 00:58:44,479 "Here. You don't have to tip me 1264 00:58:44,563 --> 00:58:46,481 You can just have bad luck the rest of your life." 1265 00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:48,734 [chuckles] 1266 00:58:48,817 --> 00:58:50,777 And you have to tip the bathroom attendant. 1267 00:58:50,861 --> 00:58:52,529 You can't justify not tipping. 1268 00:58:52,612 --> 00:58:54,406 You can't be like, "Ah, he doesn't need it. 1269 00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:57,075 He's just working next to a toilet." 1270 00:58:57,200 --> 00:58:58,285 [laughter] 1271 00:58:58,368 --> 00:59:00,787 You have to tip the bathroom attendant. 1272 00:59:00,871 --> 00:59:03,373 Sometimes the bathroom attendant will have an incentive for a tip. 1273 00:59:03,457 --> 00:59:06,084 They'll have, like, gum and cologne on a shelf. 1274 00:59:06,376 --> 00:59:08,837 No thanks on the gum. I'm sure a lot of that flavor's 1275 00:59:08,920 --> 00:59:11,673 probably been knocked away here in your office. 1276 00:59:15,719 --> 00:59:17,429 "Where'd you get the gum?" "Bathroom. 1277 00:59:18,597 --> 00:59:21,058 Yeah, some stranger in half a tux sold it to me." 1278 00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,186 "What flavor is it?" "Bathroom." 1279 00:59:25,312 --> 00:59:27,147 And the cologne, You know, talk about a place 1280 00:59:27,230 --> 00:59:29,232 you don't want to pick up a scent. 1281 00:59:29,691 --> 00:59:32,110 "Ooh, you smell different." "Bathroom again. 1282 00:59:32,986 --> 00:59:35,280 Same guy had a jug of liquid sitting on a shelf. 1283 00:59:35,363 --> 00:59:36,907 I just sprayed myself. 1284 00:59:38,075 --> 00:59:40,035 Good guy. I'm moving in with him." 1285 00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:41,495 [laughter] 1286 00:59:42,245 --> 00:59:44,372 The most memorable public restroom I was in 1287 00:59:44,456 --> 00:59:46,708 was a New York City park men's room, 1288 00:59:46,792 --> 00:59:49,044 which doubles as a crime scene, 1289 00:59:49,795 --> 00:59:53,256 the difference being that crime scenes are eventually cleaned up. 1290 00:59:54,091 --> 00:59:58,053 We've all been in those scary bathrooms. You're like, "What happened in here?" 1291 00:59:58,261 --> 01:00:00,597 The lights are on, but it's really dark. 1292 01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:02,349 There's water everywhere. 1293 01:00:02,432 --> 01:00:05,602 For some reason, there's a film crew from Ghost Hunters. 1294 01:00:07,312 --> 01:00:10,023 But I had to go in there. I was with my three-year-old. 1295 01:00:10,107 --> 01:00:11,525 And, you know, three-year-olds, they don't tell you 1296 01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:13,276 when they need to use the bathroom. 1297 01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:15,320 They tell you when they're about to use the bathroom. 1298 01:00:15,445 --> 01:00:16,988 "You have to go potty?" 1299 01:00:17,531 --> 01:00:18,865 "Almost done." 1300 01:00:19,074 --> 01:00:20,575 [laughter] 1301 01:00:22,577 --> 01:00:24,121 My three-year-old's now four. 1302 01:00:24,204 --> 01:00:26,832 I also have a nine-year-old and an eight-year-old 1303 01:00:26,915 --> 01:00:29,668 and a two-year-old and a one-year-old. 1304 01:00:29,751 --> 01:00:30,877 I have five kids. 1305 01:00:30,961 --> 01:00:32,796 I used to have more, but I ate them. 1306 01:00:34,131 --> 01:00:36,633 Five kids. I love it, but I don't know what happened. 1307 01:00:36,716 --> 01:00:38,927 Ten years ago, I couldn't get a date, 1308 01:00:39,177 --> 01:00:42,681 and now my apartment's literally crawling with babies. 1309 01:00:43,306 --> 01:00:46,226 It's like I left peanut butter out or something. 1310 01:00:47,853 --> 01:00:50,897 Strangers, for some reason, think I'm unaware that it's a lot of kids. 1311 01:00:50,981 --> 01:00:52,566 "Five kids. That's a lot of kids." 1312 01:00:52,649 --> 01:00:56,653 "Oh, you think so? Thanks for the heads-up. 1313 01:00:56,736 --> 01:00:58,697 Do you mind if I stab you in the head?" 1314 01:01:00,115 --> 01:01:03,076 The best is when I'm alone with my five kids 1315 01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:05,537 and inevitably struggling, and some stranger 1316 01:01:05,620 --> 01:01:07,956 will come up to me and go, "Looks like you got your hands full." 1317 01:01:08,039 --> 01:01:09,207 [laughter] 1318 01:01:09,291 --> 01:01:11,293 Why would you say that? 1319 01:01:11,376 --> 01:01:13,044 It's like going up to someone in a wheelchair, 1320 01:01:13,128 --> 01:01:15,213 "Looks like you don't do a lot of dancing." 1321 01:01:15,422 --> 01:01:16,756 [laughter] 1322 01:01:17,048 --> 01:01:20,260 "Looks like you got your hands full." Yeah. I could still punch you. 1323 01:01:21,428 --> 01:01:24,139 But it is a lot of kids, you know. 1324 01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:25,390 We've jumped the shark. 1325 01:01:25,473 --> 01:01:27,392 Because when you have four kids, people are like, "Wow," 1326 01:01:27,475 --> 01:01:29,394 but when you have five, people are like,"Just stop. 1327 01:01:30,187 --> 01:01:32,189 What, are you creating your own nationality? 1328 01:01:32,272 --> 01:01:33,273 Settle down. 1329 01:01:33,690 --> 01:01:36,568 Is there gonna be a country called 'Gaffganistan'? 1330 01:01:38,153 --> 01:01:39,779 Make a plan." 1331 01:01:41,198 --> 01:01:42,616 Big family. 1332 01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:44,659 Big families are like water bed stores. 1333 01:01:44,743 --> 01:01:48,371 They used to be everywhere, and now they're just weird. 1334 01:01:50,457 --> 01:01:52,000 Some people think it's religious. 1335 01:01:52,083 --> 01:01:53,627 Like, "You have all those kids for religious reasons." 1336 01:01:53,710 --> 01:01:55,045 That's not how it works. 1337 01:01:55,128 --> 01:01:57,088 If anything, you have four or five kids, 1338 01:01:57,172 --> 01:01:58,965 and then you become religious. 1339 01:01:59,466 --> 01:02:01,635 Because once you lose a kid at the mall, 1340 01:02:01,718 --> 01:02:04,888 you know, atheist or not, you start talking to God right away. 1341 01:02:04,971 --> 01:02:07,349 You're like, "Hey, God. I know I haven't talked to you in a while, 1342 01:02:07,432 --> 01:02:09,392 probably since finals in high school. 1343 01:02:09,976 --> 01:02:14,105 Anyway, if you could help me find my son, I promise I'll change my life. 1344 01:02:14,189 --> 01:02:15,690 I'll stop going to Wendy's. 1345 01:02:15,774 --> 01:02:17,692 Oh, there he is. Never mind, God. 1346 01:02:17,776 --> 01:02:18,777 [laughter] 1347 01:02:18,902 --> 01:02:20,278 Well, we're off to Wendy's." 1348 01:02:20,362 --> 01:02:22,197 ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪ 1349 01:02:22,280 --> 01:02:23,865 "Talk to you when I get cancer." 1350 01:02:23,949 --> 01:02:26,034 ♪ Doo doo doo doo ♪ 1351 01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:28,203 Because that's how it works, right? 1352 01:02:28,286 --> 01:02:30,580 We really only reach out when we have a crisis. 1353 01:02:30,664 --> 01:02:34,501 That's got to be annoying for God. He's gotta be like, "Well, well, well. 1354 01:02:36,336 --> 01:02:38,171 Someone gets the big 'C,' 1355 01:02:38,255 --> 01:02:40,882 and they turn into Billy Graham all of a sudden. 1356 01:02:41,383 --> 01:02:43,551 I seem to remember when you were in college, 1357 01:02:43,635 --> 01:02:45,470 I 'didn't exist.' 1358 01:02:45,971 --> 01:02:48,139 But now you're Chatty Cathy." 1359 01:02:48,974 --> 01:02:52,727 A joke that combines cancer and religion, always a crowd pleaser. 1360 01:02:54,396 --> 01:02:56,564 Those are two topics we don't like to discuss. 1361 01:02:56,648 --> 01:02:58,441 We don't even like the word "cancer." 1362 01:02:58,525 --> 01:03:00,068 We always whisper it, like, [whispers] "Cancer," 1363 01:03:00,151 --> 01:03:01,569 as if the devil's listening. 1364 01:03:01,653 --> 01:03:03,363 "I heard you say it, and now you've got it." 1365 01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:05,198 "I was whispering." 1366 01:03:05,282 --> 01:03:08,076 "You've got it twice for trying to hide it from the devil." 1367 01:03:08,159 --> 01:03:10,328 "When did the devil start passing out cancer?" 1368 01:03:10,412 --> 01:03:13,748 "You've got it three times for doubting the devil "can pass out cancer. 1369 01:03:13,832 --> 01:03:16,543 "You've got it four times for bringing up the devil too many times in one joke." 1370 01:03:16,668 --> 01:03:18,044 [laughter] 1371 01:03:18,128 --> 01:03:19,587 I used to be afraid of cancer. 1372 01:03:19,671 --> 01:03:22,549 Now I get a headache, and I'm like, "Good. "It's almost over. 1373 01:03:23,216 --> 01:03:25,218 Let's wrap it up. 1374 01:03:26,052 --> 01:03:29,055 Looks like I'm not paying for that wedding after all." 1375 01:03:29,931 --> 01:03:31,016 [laughs] 1376 01:03:31,099 --> 01:03:32,684 That's horrible. 1377 01:03:32,767 --> 01:03:34,519 It's in my future. Look at me. 1378 01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:36,813 I'm like skin cancer waiting to happen. 1379 01:03:36,980 --> 01:03:39,399 Cancer probably doesn't even see me as a challenge. 1380 01:03:39,566 --> 01:03:41,568 "I could do that in a half an hour. 1381 01:03:42,110 --> 01:03:44,446 Send in an intern." 1382 01:03:44,946 --> 01:03:47,157 But we're sensitive because we've all lost someone. 1383 01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:50,160 I'm surprised we even ask what grandparents die of at this point. 1384 01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:52,037 "My grandpa died." "What kind of cancer?" 1385 01:03:52,120 --> 01:03:54,080 "He was hit by a bus." 1386 01:03:54,914 --> 01:03:56,416 "That's called bus cancer." 1387 01:03:59,794 --> 01:04:01,421 But we say we're afraid of cancer. 1388 01:04:01,504 --> 01:04:02,922 We don't really behave like we are. 1389 01:04:03,006 --> 01:04:04,758 We know what causes it. Smoking causes cancer. 1390 01:04:04,841 --> 01:04:07,177 Yeah, I only smoke when I'm drinking. 1391 01:04:08,053 --> 01:04:10,430 Which is constant, really. 1392 01:04:11,389 --> 01:04:13,266 We know the products that cause cancer. 1393 01:04:13,350 --> 01:04:15,018 Every six months, there's a new sugar replacement. 1394 01:04:15,101 --> 01:04:17,312 "Here's a new sugar replacement. No calories." 1395 01:04:17,395 --> 01:04:19,689 A week later, it causes cancer. 1396 01:04:20,148 --> 01:04:22,484 They don't even take it off the shelves. 1397 01:04:23,026 --> 01:04:25,945 "Hey, there's the one that causes cancer, 1398 01:04:26,237 --> 01:04:28,114 and it's on sale." 1399 01:04:29,157 --> 01:04:31,451 So then we're faced with a sugar predicament. 1400 01:04:31,534 --> 01:04:32,911 Do I use the stuff that'll kill me 1401 01:04:32,994 --> 01:04:34,829 or the stuff that'll make me fat? 1402 01:04:35,538 --> 01:04:37,290 Ah, what's a little cancer? 1403 01:04:38,583 --> 01:04:40,251 If he does another cancer joke, 1404 01:04:40,335 --> 01:04:43,004 I'm gonna kill him before he can ever get it. 1405 01:04:43,088 --> 01:04:45,715 My zodiac sign is Cancer. 1406 01:04:46,549 --> 01:04:48,134 What a rip-off. 1407 01:04:48,218 --> 01:04:49,803 [laughter and applause] 1408 01:04:50,053 --> 01:04:52,305 I remember when I was eight and I was finding out my sign. 1409 01:04:52,389 --> 01:04:53,848 My brother was like, "What am I? What am I?" 1410 01:04:53,932 --> 01:04:55,767 And my sister was like, "You're a Capricorn." 1411 01:04:55,850 --> 01:04:57,519 And I was like, "Oh, and me? What am I? What am I?" 1412 01:04:57,602 --> 01:04:58,770 "Cancer." 1413 01:04:59,312 --> 01:05:02,941 "Oh, no! I killed Grandma. 1414 01:05:04,651 --> 01:05:06,194 What's my symbol?" 1415 01:05:06,277 --> 01:05:07,654 "Crabs." 1416 01:05:08,029 --> 01:05:09,906 "Oh, no." 1417 01:05:10,490 --> 01:05:13,701 It all gets sewn together so pretty. 1418 01:05:13,785 --> 01:05:16,579 It is a pretty thing sewn together. 1419 01:05:16,704 --> 01:05:18,206 [laughter and applause] 1420 01:05:18,289 --> 01:05:19,999 But I like being a dad. I do. 1421 01:05:20,083 --> 01:05:22,210 We have a one-year-old at home, 1422 01:05:22,293 --> 01:05:24,003 who for the first year of his life, 1423 01:05:24,087 --> 01:05:26,214 has slept a total of one minute. 1424 01:05:27,298 --> 01:05:28,633 But it's worth it, you know. 1425 01:05:28,716 --> 01:05:31,928 There's screaming, there's smells, you don't sleep. 1426 01:05:32,053 --> 01:05:33,721 I was out of town, and I drove by a skunk, 1427 01:05:33,805 --> 01:05:36,182 and all I could think was, "I miss my baby." 1428 01:05:36,307 --> 01:05:37,767 [laughter] 1429 01:05:37,934 --> 01:05:40,061 Because babies are magic. They are. 1430 01:05:40,145 --> 01:05:41,688 Because they're the worst roommates. 1431 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:45,066 Like, if you had a roommate that did one of the things a newborn does, 1432 01:05:45,150 --> 01:05:47,235 you'd be like, "You're moving out. I mean--" 1433 01:05:48,153 --> 01:05:49,988 You can't even reason with a baby. 1434 01:05:50,071 --> 01:05:53,074 You can't be like, "What the hell was going on last night? 1435 01:05:53,616 --> 01:05:56,119 You were hitting the bottle pretty hard. 1436 01:05:56,536 --> 01:06:00,373 Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. 1437 01:06:00,874 --> 01:06:03,877 Then you passed out and wet yourself. 1438 01:06:04,752 --> 01:06:07,172 I went in the other room to get you some dry clothes. 1439 01:06:07,255 --> 01:06:10,216 I come back, you're all over my wife's breasts. 1440 01:06:11,634 --> 01:06:13,928 Dude, you got to move out. I mean..." 1441 01:06:14,012 --> 01:06:16,181 It's always fun when the mother breast-feeds. 1442 01:06:16,264 --> 01:06:17,765 The baby always looks right at the dad like, 1443 01:06:17,849 --> 01:06:19,476 "What are you gonna do about it? 1444 01:06:20,477 --> 01:06:22,812 Man of the house, my ass. 1445 01:06:23,813 --> 01:06:26,232 Why don't you take a walk? Leave your credit card." 1446 01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:31,112 Every year, when my wife has her annual baby, 1447 01:06:31,279 --> 01:06:33,239 [laughter] 1448 01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:34,908 it feels that way. 1449 01:06:34,991 --> 01:06:37,744 By the way, the gifts stop after the second kid. 1450 01:06:37,952 --> 01:06:41,623 With the fifth kid, people barely respond to the email announcement. 1451 01:06:42,248 --> 01:06:43,917 "Ah, we'll get them next baby." 1452 01:06:46,753 --> 01:06:48,713 Once I had a friend come up to me and go, 1453 01:06:48,796 --> 01:06:50,673 "Hey, congratulations on the new baby. 1454 01:06:50,757 --> 01:06:52,800 I know how you feel. We just got a puppy." 1455 01:06:53,176 --> 01:06:54,594 I said, "What?" 1456 01:06:55,220 --> 01:06:57,555 And I love dogs, so I understand it. 1457 01:06:57,680 --> 01:06:59,891 But, like, babies are the only types of humans 1458 01:06:59,974 --> 01:07:03,102 that can be compared to an animal and it's OK. 1459 01:07:03,186 --> 01:07:04,938 Like, you could never be like, "Heard you're getting married. 1460 01:07:05,021 --> 01:07:07,106 I know how you feel. I used to have a pig. 1461 01:07:07,232 --> 01:07:08,816 [laughter] 1462 01:07:09,150 --> 01:07:12,987 Bit of advice on a hot day, Hose that bride down. 1463 01:07:13,071 --> 01:07:14,739 She'll love it 1464 01:07:14,822 --> 01:07:17,617 because they can't breathe, their skin can't." 1465 01:07:21,704 --> 01:07:23,873 Twice a year, I travel. I tour with my kids. 1466 01:07:23,957 --> 01:07:27,210 We get on a tour bus, and we go to, like, some destination. 1467 01:07:27,293 --> 01:07:29,546 Last spring break, we went to Mount Rushmore. 1468 01:07:29,629 --> 01:07:30,672 [man from audience] Whoo! 1469 01:07:30,755 --> 01:07:33,091 That's the most applause Mount Rushmore's ever gotten. 1470 01:07:34,217 --> 01:07:35,843 I feel sorry for Mount Rushmore. 1471 01:07:35,927 --> 01:07:37,637 You know, people used to go there on their honeymoon. 1472 01:07:37,720 --> 01:07:39,430 And now, I bring up Mount Rushmore, 1473 01:07:39,514 --> 01:07:41,975 and people look at me like I'm talking about a TV show 1474 01:07:42,058 --> 01:07:43,977 that was canceled ten years ago. 1475 01:07:44,352 --> 01:07:45,562 "Is that still going on?" 1476 01:07:45,645 --> 01:07:46,980 Yeah, it's a mountain! 1477 01:07:48,147 --> 01:07:49,524 It's still going on. 1478 01:07:49,607 --> 01:07:51,150 And you know what? It's beautiful. 1479 01:07:51,234 --> 01:07:53,403 And the Black Hills of South Dakota are... 1480 01:07:53,486 --> 01:07:55,655 You know, they're sacred to the Lakota Indians. 1481 01:07:55,738 --> 01:07:57,865 And out of respect, our government carved 1482 01:07:57,949 --> 01:07:59,951 four white guys into one of the mountains. 1483 01:08:00,076 --> 01:08:01,536 [laughter and applause] 1484 01:08:01,619 --> 01:08:03,079 "This land is sacred." 1485 01:08:03,162 --> 01:08:04,706 "How about that mountain?" "Very sacred." 1486 01:08:04,789 --> 01:08:05,915 "Good. We got an idea." 1487 01:08:05,999 --> 01:08:07,584 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. 1488 01:08:07,792 --> 01:08:09,460 Another gift for you guys. 1489 01:08:09,544 --> 01:08:10,837 Ding, ding, ding, ding. 1490 01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:12,422 These guys were all about freedom. 1491 01:08:12,505 --> 01:08:13,840 Ding, ding, ding. 1492 01:08:13,923 --> 01:08:15,967 Especially the two guys that owned slaves. 1493 01:08:16,175 --> 01:08:17,802 [laughter] 1494 01:08:17,969 --> 01:08:20,680 But there's so much stimulation in our lives. 1495 01:08:20,763 --> 01:08:23,641 We don't know what to make of four faces on a mountain. 1496 01:08:23,725 --> 01:08:25,226 You know, my kids didn't know what to think. 1497 01:08:25,310 --> 01:08:28,438 They were like, "Is one of the eyes gonna blink?" 1498 01:08:29,105 --> 01:08:30,732 And I was like, "I don't know. 1499 01:08:30,815 --> 01:08:33,526 Take a look because I'm never coming back here." 1500 01:08:34,068 --> 01:08:37,155 That is all for me. Thank you so much, you guys. 1501 01:08:37,447 --> 01:08:38,948 I appreciate it. 1502 01:08:40,074 --> 01:08:41,200 Thank you. 1503 01:08:41,284 --> 01:08:44,829 [cheers and applause] 1504 01:09:00,470 --> 01:09:02,013 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 1505 01:09:11,856 --> 01:09:13,816 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 1506 01:09:23,201 --> 01:09:24,619 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 1507 01:09:34,504 --> 01:09:35,963 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 1508 01:09:45,723 --> 01:09:47,308 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 1509 01:09:56,859 --> 01:09:58,444 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪ 1510 01:10:08,413 --> 01:10:10,248 ♪ Atten-hut! ♪